five

i spend my waking hours like i'm sleeping, and i treasure my sleep like my life. but that's nothing new. i forget that no one else knows you. i talked about you with some friends yesterday. one pulled me aside and asked if i was in therapy. i think it's funny that they think i need protecting from you. as if you were the problem. you're the only normal thing in my life right now. who needs therapy when i have you?

You haven't been home in a few days. You've been off lately, not sleeping enough and hardly taking enough breaks to eat. I want to ask you what's wrong and why you've been pushing yourself so hard, but I know how hard you work. Loving someone isn't easy, and you overwork yourself, which makes it even harder, but I don't want to stop you from doing what you love to do.

I decide to visit your studio. The worst that can happen is you not telling me what's going on. Before I left, I saw a black hoodie on the dresser next to your side of the bed. Picking it up, I recognize it as the one I bought you before. Why was it here, and not in our closet? I bring it with me, in case you had meant to have it with you and forgot.

I get to your studio and am immediately faced with a locked door and no key. Sighing, I knock gently on the door, hoping you'll hear me. After a moment, I hear a click and the door swings open, revealing you. You look worse than you have in a long time; your dirty hair is partially covered by a black beanie and you've got horrible bags under your eyes. It's obvious you haven't slept, washed your face, or showered in ages. Who knew when you had last eaten either?

I immediately wrap my arms around you, breathing you in. I feel you hesitate before tugging me closer. You gently place your chin on my head, almost as if you're afraid you'll break me. Closing the door behind us, you bring me to the couch and lay down next to me, your head in my lap.

I thread my fingers through your hair and gently scratch your scalp, smiling softly as you close your eyes and sigh contently. 

"Babygirl," you say, opening your eyes to look at me. "Can I ask you something?" I nod, waiting for you to continue. "Do you ever feel like sometimes, everything around you doesn't make sense? Like, there's all these expectations you feel like you'll never reach?" I nod again, holding my breath. You look up at me, raising a hand to softly brush my face. "You're my safe space in the midst of all that."

I smile at you, tears glistening in both of our eyes. 

"You're my safety."