June 19th.

It’s been ages since I’ve looked at your pictures.

I cannot look at them.

Without breaking down,

and then breaking apart.

Knowing, and remembering

that you aren’t here anymore-

makes the bile in my throat rise up

and makes me want to not be here,

it makes me want to crumble in despair-

at never seeing you again;

it makes me want to explode into

a hundred fragments,

each of which are defined only and ever more by

your devastating absence

and your ever present maternal love.

To feel this way is so unbearable,

so terrible a task- and it never ends

it never ends...

it doesn’t get easier- no.

I try to scream it out,

I try to cry it out,

And my lungs fill up with furor,

with the deepest rage at this injustice

and my soul fills with

the most terrible of longings...

forever insatiable,

forever forsaken and

only always abandoned-

my longing,

and me.

The pain today is so great that

I feel my lungs fail and my windpipe clamp down

on my core, my heart...

(here- I mean to say my reality hits me hard and tells me that my mother is dead, and that she’s never coming back. And that makes my entire being just want to scream and scream and scream until the rage tears me apart and rips my heart and soul into infinite pieces, so small and so meaningless and insignificant that they don’t feel anything anymore- not even grief).

If I could, I would call out,

until my voice died out and

until my lungs burned out...

I would call out to you-

where ever you are...

If I could, I would cry and cry and cry

in despair, in desolation...

Only to be met with

the last few wisps of my dreary,

weary, pathetic and

emotionally destitute soul

disintegrate and dissolve into thin air...

(almost happy to let go of inhabiting

this cursed little girl that will know no love)

Only to be met with

my old, tattered, dull red heart muscles

reveling in their symphony for one last time

before they bleed and tear and snap-

being unable to bear an endless onslaught

of grief, hurt, abuse and loss

in the most cruel ways possible...

almost relieved to give up on me,

finally.

Look Mother,

Now, they leave me too.

Happy 58th birthday, Mother.

~Forever.

Loss.

- I am numb now.

I ache beyond comprehension, beyond reason.

I do not wish to be here.

-Take me away, please. This world is too harsh for me today and everyone I know and love is only cruel to me. Almost all of me now believes that everyone I meet is only put in my life to cause me pain and hurt and then abandon me. And the small part of me that wants to believe otherwise is slowly dying- a little bit more everyday.

-I would rip the damned heavens apart with my blinding rage and inconsolable, unattenuated grief and I would take you back. I would take you back. And I would never, never let you leave me.

-You never taught me what should a little girl do when she’s hurt. I wish you would have.

-Death takes away the word “Mother” forever.

-At times like this, there is nothing left to do but sit in silence and wish to not exist anymore.

-Things and people keep breaking you and hurting you until it doesn’t matter, anymore.

It doesn’t matter, anymore.