bottom

i haven't hit rock bottom yet;

don't think i ever will.

because it's impossible to hit something

that isn't corporeal.

my heart is a vast pit

a drain down an endless pipe

i keep swallowing my feelings,

trying to fill myself up

but the pipe keeps going and going,

never clogging,

no matter how thick

my emotions are.

i haven't hit rock bottom yet

so in conclusion,

i cannot crawl.

i cannot hoist myself back up,

all i can do is fall.

my heart is a bottomless pit

dull as the grey sands of time.

an hourglass with no bottom

just descending

into the grime.

once i tried to crawl down the pipe;

i didn't get very far.

i got stuck a few steps in,

and was unable to return.

i keep starving,

losing weight

hoping that on one of these dates

i'll be able to advance

and find out what's at the end

of this bottomless expanse.

bot for now

my heart is empty

and that's a good thing, too.

because if i did have any feelings here,

they wouldn't be able to get through.

cause my body's here blocking the way,

never making a path,

i'd drown in every emotion.

my corpse would rot

and i'd finally be skinny enough

to find the end of this hellish slot

and my bones would float

down the pipe

like a raft.

i'd find out what's been eating my feelings

greedily licking them away

swallowing them endlessly,

always hungry.

but maybe all along

the one swallowing them is me

pushing them down because really i know

when they come up,

i won't like what i see.

my heart is a bottomless pit,

it takes more than love to fill me up.

and the only thing that seems to work

is piles upon piles of self loathing.

it doesn't taste very good when i swallow

but some days it clogs up the pipes.

and then, amidst

the taste of shit

i can taste the smallest hint of lemon.

lemon, like the tree in my old backyard

from childhood past where i cared not

about who i was.

i can taste the chocolate from the cake

my mother baked for me.

i can taste a million beautiful things,

for just a moment

before the shit stops

clogging the pipes

and emptiness returns.

as it always does.

so i keep

choking on self-hate

hoping that i'll get a taste

of memories long past.

but lately,

even that's stopped too,

even my hate has grown numb.

what will i do

when this bottomless pit

has eaten up every ounce of caring i have,

fat off of my feelings,

and i'm left here,

starving myself

to feed it

hoping that one day,

i'll get scraps in return?

how can i fight

an endless entity

when i'm just a skinny sack of bones

without enough to eat?

maybe if i

vomit it back up

i'll be able to taste the feelings

before they're down the pipe again.