“It’s not gonna suck itself”

I understand asking for such an activity to be done to you but sir, I would rather rip out my own eyes and stomach and dissolve my ears in the stomach before I take the chance to suck it. I think it should be able to suck itself if you're gonna be so up your own, ask me to do literally anything but that please. I wouldn't have minded if you ask properly but you made it so gross and cringey that I will go through time and space to create a machine that will genetically change you so that it can suck itself. Why would you want it to suck itself? Why do you make it think it would suck itself if it physically could? Or can it but chooses not to?

What I hate about this is the audacity that it holds. Yeah, it won't suck itself. But I won't suck it either. I hate this phrase. My boyfriend said it to me once and I told him that it would suck itself if it wants to be sucked at all. I do not understand why he felt entitled to a good sucking. Go ahead and let it suck itself my good sir. I love you and I do not want you to be sad, so I will give it permission to suck itself. It will not make me sad and I know you have the upmost respect for my feelings, right?