Depression’s Lens

I want to be someone worthy of the people who love me.

They say that I already am.

I want to know I’m someone worthy of the people who love me.

I want to look in the mirror and see the person love sees, someone quick and witty and interesting, adventurous and kind, beautiful, and soft.

I want to look in the mirror and see the person joy sees, smart and steadfast, funny and sweet, affectionate and nourishing.

I want to look in the mirror and see the person family sees, a younger mirror who hasn’t yet made her mistakes, familiar struggles and familiar potential, a seed able to grow and worthy of watering.

I look in the mirror and see a body in decay and a mind that refuses to grow, a heart afraid of life and skin devoid of sun. I see all the days I’ve spent in bed wishing I could move.

I see an infant with in-born wrongness and how the events of life worsened that fracture.

I see all the hours I’ve wasted trying to scrape together focus to forge interest in living.

I see abrasions across my skin from sandpaper sobriety and I see dull eyes that only shine under influences. I see memories through their scratched lenses and wonder uselessly where all the color has gone.

I see every awful thought I’ve hidden from other people, treating isolation as kindness.

I see a spreadsheet of medications for every imaginable reason, an X over each as they failed.

I see every walk I should’ve gone on, the food I should have eaten, the connections I should have made, oceans of water I should have drank.

I see every book I hoped would have the answer, tossed aside because their words flowed over me never gaining purchase.

I see every time something went wrong and their consequences, every cracked brick in this broken house.

I see a person my mother would relate to and feel how it sours my stomach.

I see everything but the good, and the answers;

How could I live up to the fantasies they hold of my worth?

How could I possibly imagine I haven’t just fooled them all?

How do I make myself live in the life I've neglected to build?