Fears

Silence. I sleep with the television on just to drown out the thoughts in my head. All the the thoughts I don't want to remember. I'm not affraid of death, and while I used to be terrrified of people, I am no loger frightened by years of abuse. But the thought of being alone with my thoughts is enough to make me burst into tears.

My husband makes fun of me. I constantly have head phones in. I am constantly listening to something. I stay busy. Podcasts, music, anime, and if that isn't available I talk to my cats... or my walls. The silence will send me into a catatonic fear based panic attack that sucks the life from my body.

I used to be afraid of normal things. Clowns, heights, snakes, death. But now the silence is the only stalker I'm truely affraid of. Last time I didn't fill the silence my wrists didn't make it out so well. The silence brings out that destructive, angry, hurt person that I no longe want to be. All the things that I have supressed, greet me like an old friend in the silence. I have to stay busy. I have to have chaos. I have to have noise, before the silence gobbles me up, and doesn't spit me back out.