Internal beliefs or conflict.

I was taught not to feel.

Supposedly it always gets in the way.

-Why are you bringing this up?

Because... What if I love to write?

But it brings up these memories...feelings... that I dont want to surface.

-What memories? What feelings? Havent you overcame them?

Perhaps. Idk.

Maybe theyve been pushed to the side.

I want to say forgotten but only for a moment.

Or maybe left behind but every now and then they gain speed and catch up to the present.

-Then fight. Run faster. You arent the first to go through your situations.

Where do I start?

Do I shove them back in their hole? Do I cover them up?

Should I just go outside and run it off?

Do I pick up the bottle like so many times Ive done before?

-No. The bottle is you being selfish. Remember before?

When the elxir pulled you by the strings?

Remember you couldnt feel?

You can feel now, cant you?

Im not sure. I know I can feel for others.

Thats why I served in the military.

I know I care for my dog

Thats why I always put money to the side. Just incase my Kurama gets sick and needs my help.

-So whats the problem?

This idea I always come to conflict with

....... Showing myself to others.

It is something I havent been able to do or maybe forgotten how.

I dont understand... Why?... How?

How can I make the fragile things known?

To expose my vulnerabilities.

For them to see me as I really am.

For them to know what makes me.

It will be their ammunition.

It will be their way to seduce or maim.

- You dont have to show the fragile part. Just show the surface. You have to learn to not be scared to get hurt. You have to know what it feels like to be loved and to love. Thats part of being human.

Just show the surface. True.

I can love others without letting them in right?

I mean... thats why Im training to be a firefighter

Because I dont want others to be hurt.

Especially if there is something I can do about it!

Its the right thing to do after all!

- Yes that is correct. Just the surface. However, eventually you will have to let some people in. Dont you want a family? Companionship? You cant have these things if youre not willing to do your part and share the fragile things.

Maybe.

I always accept the care from others and I am happy when they pray for me.

I always wish them the best.

However, I dont see myself with family or companionship at the moment.

Or maybe ever.

I always think..

What if something were to happen to the people I share a deep connection with?

- You would have to accept what happened and move on.

It would prevent me from being efficient in day to day tasks!

It would allow me to be hurt, injured.

It would hinder me from being of use to those in need!

-Then what do you choose!? A life of solitude and service!? Humans are not made to function this way!

Humans are made to help one another!

I am unable to do this if I am not properly grounded physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If my vulnerabilities are known or if vulnerabilities are forged through powerful connections I made to others then.... there is a way to make me stumble!

-The actions of others should not have an effect on you!

I agree. If I have control over my feelings and actions I will be ok.

The actions or feelings of others will not deter me from serving.

With that said, I still seek companionship.

The companionship I seek is from those who can help me become better physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Better to serve, to help, to care for the well being of others.

To be my best is accepting the help of others in order to serve my neighbors

Without letting them in.