Chapter Six

“If you’ll let me, I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

-Lindsay Bergman, Heart of Mine

...

One blink. 

Two. 

Three. 

Four. 

Five. 

Gia counted every time his lids closed as he digested the words she’d just spoken. 

More like vomited with no gag reflex. 

As the seconds pushed into the minute territory, more vomit began to project. 

“I have medication that is helping curve the effects on my immune system. I can still live a normal life, but I will always have this. It will always linger. I may never be able to have kids, though the doctor’s say by taking my meds I have no chance of passing it to the baby-or any of my partners. The mere thought of having children terrifies me now. I can never give blood again. Which is how I found out. Three days after I gave at a LifeSouth bank I got the phone call to say they couldn’t use my blood because I-well, now you know. I hate saying it. I hate that some stupid man stripped me emotionally like this. I feel disgusting nearly every time I look at myself in the mirror-” as she listed off the things running through her mind, Gia could feel herself slipping. 

The loss of control was helpless, much like the dead silence she was receiving from Leon. 

In his eyes wasn’t disgust, but it wasn’t the desire he’d been showing her, either. It was nothing but a blank portrait of the kind man she’d gotten to know tonight. 

It only made things worse. 

So much worse. 

“I understand completely if you want to get up and leave right now. Trust me, I know more than anyone how undesirable this is. Who wants someone with this immunocompromising disease? You deserve someone who wouldn’t be afraid to give you children. Who you could make love to without thinking about the virus swarming inside them, worrying that it could infect you and ruin your life too. God, I don’t know why I asked you out tonight when I knew going in that there would be no future for us. And you’ve been telling me that you want a future with me, but now can’t you see that I can’t give it to you?” 

Gia continued to rattle off inconsistent thoughts and fears. She was showing the deepest parts of herself to him without a single moment in between for him to process. She wasn’t even sure if he was still listening at this point; she was talking so fast he probably couldn’t keep up. 

“I’m so sorry, Leon. I-” 

He put his hand on hers. 

Her word vomit caught in her throat. 

“Gia, baby, it’s okay.” 

“Okay?” She gasped. “How is any of this okay?” 

She stood and paced away from him. 

“I can’t put you through the emotional toll of this. I mean, look at me. I’m a nervous and an emotional mess. I try to hold it together, but this,” she motioned to herself. “This is what’s going on in my head nearly 24/7.” 

She shook her head and suddenly he was there, his face now open with a myriad of emotions, none of them harsh or judgemental. 

Gia stopped short.

“You said you’re taking medication, right?” 

He waited patiently for her to nod before continuing. “And that you can live a normal, healthy life, as long as you continue that regimen, right?” 

Another nod. 

“Then the rest of it doesn’t matter.” 

“But-” 

“Listen,” he said firmly, palms cupping her neck. “I don’t care about the rest because most of it is all in your head.” He tapped her temple softly. “You are rightfully scared, but I’m here to tell you that most of it is not a hindrance to me. You can still have children, healthily, and you can still live for a long time. If you don’t want children, that’s fine, but baby, don’t let this prevent you from finding happiness or starting a family. It’s terrible what happened to you, but that doesn’t mean that your life is over or that you can’t be with someone. I’m here. I’m here standing in front of you and I’m saying that I accept this.” 

Tears welled up but Gia fought them. His words were reassuring, but had the opposite effect. 

Gia thought that she was scared of him leaving her after he knew everything, but what she didn’t expect was that she was more scared that he accepted her, conditions and all. She saw the fantasized domestic life she had imagined before, the images of them making love desperately, the future they could have if only she grasped for it. 

But all they did now was make her want to faint with panic. 

“How can you accept this? How can you dwindle your life to this? To me? A nobody. A woman who let a man do this to her without asking for a health exam or at least assurance after that she wouldn’t have to go through this alone.” 

“Do you know what I’m hearing right now?” He asked, his voice calm. 

She didn’t answer. 

His thumbs rubbed the soft skin just under her jaw. “Do you?” He repeated, more intently, his eyes searching for hers. 

She couldn’t look at him. 

The crazy thing was, she knew she should ask him leave, but she couldn’t formulate the words. 

How much sense did that make? 

“Gia, look at me. Please.” 

Lips trembling, she did, her eyes filled with unshed tears. 

“Do you know what I’m hearing?” 

“A lost cause?” She whispered. 

He shook his head, a saddened expression passing over his features. “A woman who doesn’t accept herself. You are so convinced that I can’t want to be with you, flaws and all, because you haven’t accepted what’s happened to you. You are unhappy with how things are now, and it scares you to think that someone else can be willing to go through that with you. You’re trying to push me away now because I’ll be here for you. I’ll make you face these fears of yours.” 

“What if I can’t?” 

“I’ll be here to help you.” 

“But why, Leon? Why are you already so invested in me? How do you see all these things in me, and I can’t even look at myself without cringing sometimes?” 

“Because you don’t see what I see yet. You don’t see a strong woman who has been through something terrible, and is still going through it everyday, yet still functions day by day and marches on. You don’t see a sexy woman who makes my body feel like it’s on fire. You don’t see a woman that deserves to be cherished and loved and taken care of in every way that counts. You just don’t see what I see. But I want you to, and I’m prepared to, if you’ll let me.” 

His lips brushed hers, then pulled back, as if he wanted her mind to be clear when she told him her answer. 

“Will you let me?” he asked again. 

Silence. 

Then, “do you really think I’m strong?” She asked. “After everything I just said.” 

“I do. It’s one of the things that drew me to you. I could tell that you were going through something. I didn’t know what it was, but your eyes spoke to me. So green and expressive. Beautiful, exquisite. I see that in you; I saw that in you. And it’s what I’ve been wanting ever since. I’m aware that I’m moving fast, but I know what I want. I think it’s you that’s unsure about what you want.” 

“But I do want you, Leon. I want you so badly.” 

“But will you let me want you back?” 

Gia swallowed. She wanted to. God, did she want to. 

Why couldn’t she? 

Maybe she should talk to someone about what she’s been going through. Maybe she should really face what’s been happening. She’s been moving forward in life, but has she been moving on? Really and truly? 

She wasn’t so sure anymore. 

The answer was very clear; she wasn’t moving on. 

But this man was right here asking her to let him help her. He wanted her for his own reasons, the same way she wanted him, and it was terrifying. 

And also liberating. 

Gia’s heart swelled in her chest. She digested his words and what they meant and felt the most elation she’s ever experienced. Suddenly, her body was aching for his. 

She was aching for release. 

They still had a lot to discuss, to clear up and ask each other, but in this moment Gia wanted nothing more than for him to want her the way she was wanting him. 

She was about to make that irreversible move, but before she could, Leon began to speak again. 

“When I first got clean,” he began, “I went to rehab. At first, I didn’t want to go. I had done so many things that I can never take back and in my drunken stupors I was punishing myself for them while also still using my grandfather’s death as a crutch to keep drinking. But my grandma left the comfort of her home to talk some sense into me. She made me realize that alcohol couldn’t keep numbing the pain I was in, and the guilt I have, because I wasn’t dealing with it and letting myself heal mentally. She gave me a long, stern talking to, and I finally decided that it was time I cleared up my act. 

“While I was in rehab, I had a lot of time to reflect on the things I had done wrong, and not only to my son, but to my whole family. I left my grandma to grieve on her own because I couldn’t handle my own, and I abandoned my son because he was a fresh start that I wasn’t ready for yet. His birth should have made me feel alive again, but at the time all it did was make me feel trapped. I didn’t want it, and so I did wrong by him and left to chase the bottle. There are many nights I can’t remember, many nights I wish I could forget, but speaking in group and reflecting on everything taught me that even though I wasted a lot of time by being a deadbeat father and grandson, I can still make the most of the time I have left.

“It took me a long time to realize that. I had so much to process and face and it overwhelmed me. Without alcohol, I almost thought that I couldn’t cope. Many times I nearly gave up and searched for the oblivion a glass of whiskey would give me. But I didn’t. You see, Gia, I fought through my demons because it was the strong thing to do. My grandfather wouldn’t have wanted me to mess up like I did over his death. He would have wanted me to what I should have been doing from the beginning; cherish the time I have with the family that’s here still.

“I shouldn’t have let my problems prevent me from living. I should have worked through them instead of taking the easy way out. It’s hard to focus on the things we’ve done wrong and own up to them, but trust me when I say once you accept and move on, you will be better for it. You will come out stronger than ever and ready to face the world with your head held high. You’ll know what you want and go for it with no breaks. I’ve been in your shoes Gia; I know what it’s like to be mad at yourself for the things we’ve done and can’t change. I know how it feels to not be able to look at yourself because you’re so ashamed of who you’ve become or the things you’ve lost and can never get back. I know how it feels to be scared to face those things. But the beautiful thing about all of it, is being able to come out on the other side and still live the life you should have already been.

“That’s why you should let me in. I know that it feels like you’re going through it alone. I felt that too, but here I am, just like my grandma was for me, extending a hand for you to take. The best part of healing is the support you have. I can be that support. I won’t enable you, but I will help you through this. I will help you realize that you have worth, and just because something terrible has happened to you, doesn’t mean your life can’t be lived the way you want it. Don’t you want to be happy, Gia?” 

Gia was knocked speechless by his passionate speech. She devoured every word and swallowed them whole. 

Leon was right. 

Gia had endured something terrible, but it didn’t mean that she couldn’t still have a happy life. She could still be happy. She could let someone help her; she could take his hand and move through this block in her road. 

It was possible. It would be difficult and emotional, but it was possible. 

She hadn’t truly acknowledged it as a possibility before, but she wanted to now. 

As she looked up at him, the good emotions began to build back into her chest. The want that momentarily suppressed to digest his beautifully delivered words reared back into her body tenfold. 

Her heart wanted to burst from her chest and give itself to Leon. 

He hadn’t obliterated all of her fears just now, but he did take away one vital one, and that was the fear that she would never have a good relationship again, that she wouldn’t find a man who would want her with everything inside him. A man that wouldn’t look at her the way Leon was in this moment. 

She let her eyes show him her answer before she voiced it. “I want to be happy, Leon. I want to move forward. With you.”

The smile on his face was cut off by her lips pressing into his. 

Being bold was not in her DNA, but Gia felt bold then. Leon had made her feel things she never had before, and she knew now in complete clarity that they were not one sided. There was a confidence inside of her in this moment that was refusing to fade. 

She wanted his body. She got his heart, that much was clear, but now she needed the physical connection to consummate it. 

Leon’s arms came around her and held her tightly while he drank from her mouth like she was all he needed to survive. Their tongues glided against the other passionately while Gia attempted to press her body as close to Leon’s as she could get. It made his arms tighten, but not to the point of pain. 

It was perfect. 

And she couldn’t wait for more. 

“Take me to bed,” she whimpered. “I want you to take me to bed.” 

“Where is it?” he asked, keeping their mouths fused. He picked her up as if she was a lightweight and waited for her to guide him. 

“Second door,” she told him, her arms wrapped around his neck, legs around his hips. 

His toned, bulked hips...

She felt each muscle pull as he moved them and it made her legs tighten against him, her skirt riding up indecently. 

She didn’t care. 

All she could think about was the feel of his body against hers, and how good he would inevitably feel inside of her. 

When they reached her door, she frantically reached for the knob while her hips made small movements against his. What she felt there made her pause. 

“Oh, my...” she whispered, unable to keep herself from doing it again. The hardness her pelvis made contact with was unlike any she had ever felt before. ”...God.” 

Gia had read about many heroines having a similar reaction to their pending partner’s package, but she could never relate in any way with any of her other partners. 

Leon was in a league of his own; thick, long, and so hard feeling. 

She wondered what he would look like with no barriers, or how he would fit. She hadn’t been with a man in over seven months. 

Leon’s voice was panting out of him. “Let me help.” One hand reached around and twisted the knob, pushing it in for entry. 

He let her down, her feet unsteady for a moment until she balanced. She hesitated for only a second before walking to the lamp by her bed and twisting it on. 

She wanted to see him. 

And though the desire was less for herself, she wanted him to see her. She wanted this vulnerability that being bare to him would give her. 

He sat at the edge of her bed and watched her as she came to stand in front of him. Gia put her hands in his hair and rubbed her fingers through the curly strands. 

His eyes closed. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Gia asked him. 

She wanted to make sure before they went further. 

His dark eyes were earnest, hungry. “The only other thing I have been sure of was being there for my son. There’s no question that this is what I want. Are you sure?” 

“Yes, Leon,” she whispered. “I’m sure.” 

His large palms gripped around her thighs and spread her over his lap until she was in a comfortable straddling position. He tilted his head up and captured her lips once more, his kiss more hungry and urgent than it had been any other time he’d kissed her. 

It was promissory and addictive. Gia couldn’t get enough of his taste. She moaned into his mouth, opening hers wide until the kiss was sloppy and lustful. 

Leon groaned, using his hands on her thighs to grind her into his crotch. Her panties were thin, but his slacks were thick, and so the pressure wasn’t as intense as either of them wanted. Gia pressed herself deeper into him, finding a rhythm that helped meet that need. 

Leon suddenly tensed beneath her, his breathing harsh as he broke their lip lock. He put his forehead on hers, his voice laced with regret. “I don’t have protection. I didn’t want to assume anything...” 

Gia didn’t know how he would feel about what she was about to tell him. “I have an IUD. I’ve had it for over a year. When I...went to the doctor, he told me that it was fine to have it with my medication. It’s still effective for four more years.” 

He watched her, considering her words. 

“We can make a run to the store,” she rushed to add, his silence worrying her. “Or if you don’t want to do this-” 

“No,” he interrupted her. “I trust your word. I’m okay with this, as long as you are. I’m clean, I promise. I haven’t...been with a woman in months.” 

“I believe you.” 

They shared a smile, then leaned back in at the same time. 

He caressed her bared thighs, bunching up her skirt and exploring the newly exposed skin while she continued to grind on him. 

Gia’s head dropped back with the sparks shooting under her skin and his lips trailed over her cheeks to her neck. He opened his lips and placed open kisses up and down the flesh. It made her shiver all over. 

As one hand moved between her legs, her eyes opened and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t believe this was happening to her. Well, she could-because it felt so damn good- but it was still shocking to think that this incredible man wanted her body as badly as she wanted his. 

Gia jerked when his fingers moved her panties to the side and his palm covered her wet heat. Her fingers tightened in his hair and she moved her hips into his touch. 

“Leon,” she moaned, already building to a release and he’d barely moved his fingers. 

“You’re so wet,” his deep Southern voice purred into her neck. “Feels so good. I can just imagine how exquisite you’ll feel when I’m buried deep in you. I want it so bad, Gia.” 

“Oh, me too.” Gia gasped. “Please!” 

“I want to see you come apart like this first. Give it to me.” One thick finger entered her, the others focusing on her clit, and Gia saw stars. 

He barely made one, two, three strokes before she was losing it completely, coming apart and shaking through the rhythmic sensations her core was experiencing. She gripped him tightly, moving her hips to draw out as much heady pleasure as she could. 

After, her body was loose and buzzing with wonderful endorphins. Almost immediately she was wanting more. She wanted to witness his pleasure too. 

She looked at him. 

He was already watching her, his pupils blown, his jaw loose, lips parted. “My Lord,” he said in a desperate voice. “I need more.” 

Before she could breathe, he flipped her over and put her in the middle of her bed. He pulled her skirt off, taking her panties as he went. His eyes locked on her center for a long moment before flicking back to her face. 

“The curtain matches the drapes,” he said admiringly, making her blush. 

“I’m sorry I’m not shaved. I haven’t-” 

“I like it,” Leon assured her. “I actually might love it. You’re so pretty, pink...” he brought the finger he had inside of her to his lips and sucked. “sweet too. Just how I knew you’d be.” 

Her own lips parted, but before she could respond, he demanded, “take your top off. Bra too.” 

He began to take off his clothes, beginning with his socks. 

He was so demanding in this arena, and it was intoxicating. Gia didn’t think she could handle gentle right now. Her body was too wired, too desperate for another release. 

No man had ever made her come so fast before. Or at all, really, if she could remember correctly. 

But how could she remember any of them when Leon’s naked body was right in front of her? 

Her green eyes took him in. He was just as muscular and she had imagined, his dark skin protruding with bulges. His abs were smooth whereas his pecs were coated with curly hair that she wanted to feel against her breasts. 

Her eyes moved lower over his toned hips, to the erect cock beckoning her. It was painfully hard, she could see, huge-so huge!- the tip glistening with a clear fluid she had the intense urge to lick. He was veiny, but not overly so, and he bobbed with every move he made back towards the mattress. 

His eyes bored into her chest that was still clothed. 

Gia scrambled to a sitting position and pulled the fabric over her head. Her bra followed next. She tossed both garments to the floor; she’d worry about the mess later. 

Gia boldy looked back at Leon, observing the way he watched her body. Her core clenched. 

Her breasts were large for her body, and she knew that they were one of her better features. A lot of men could only seem to focus on them when they came into Al’s. 

Leon was no different here, but the difference between him and them was she wanted his mouth on her. She wanted him to suckle her nipples while he moved inside her. 

Licking his lips, Leon moved over her and guided her back until she lay flat for him, hands braced above her. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege to see.” He told her, and the way he said it let her know that he meant it wholeheartedly. 

She spread her legs wide, allowing him to nestle while his lips descended over her breasts. He sucked and tongued until she was trembling all over again, her core pulsing with the need to be filled by him. 

“Please, Leon. I need you inside of me. Please.” Gia begged. 

For once, she didn’t care how she sounded. All she wanted was his body. She didn’t care how desperate it made her feel or sound. 

Leon lined himself up at her entrance, never once taking his lips or tongue off her breasts. 

He began to enter her slowly, carefully inserting one inch at a time. Gia’s body couldn’t help but tighten already. The feeling of him entering her was overwhelming, yet at the same time not enough. He was thick, stretching her almost painfully, but it all felt amazing. 

Better than anything before him. 

She gripped behind his neck and brought him back to her mouth. 

With a smooth pivot of his hips, he was fully rooted inside her. 

She gasped, unable to contain the quakes of her body. “Ohhh...” she whimpered. 

Her eyes watched him as he pulled halfway out then glided back in smoothly. He spread her wide, his own moans leaving him as he moved in a steady rhythm, picking up pace only to slow when the pleasure breached. 

“Goddamn!” He exclaimed, surprising her in the best way. “You feel better-so much better than I could ever think. My, God, this is so good. Fucking the best, Gia. The best.” 

Every word increased the pressure building in her core. Her walls rippled around his cock, and Leon seemed to lose all sense of control, rutting inside and out passionately. 

Their moans mixed together. Their bodies began to sweat and slide against each other. 

Gia draped her legs over his thighs as he leaned back until he was in a sitting position, pulling her into his thrusts as he rolled his hips forward. 

He was the most beautiful like this, Gia noticed. His temples had sweat dripping down them, his lips were parted as he breathed filthy words to her, his eyes glazed over and captivated by hers, nostrils flaring with his attempt at tempering his control. 

“You feel so good,” she told him as the most intense wave rolled over her, reverberating onto his cock. “Oh, God.” She pulsed and pulsed and pulsed. The sensations seemed never ending. 

“No you feel good,” he said on a moan as she came all over him. “Tight,” his head fell back, his hips still pistoning. “I’m gonna come. Jesus, you feel good. I can’t...hold on...” 

Pulling his head down to her, she kissed him through the lingering sensations and encouraged his release. “Let go, Leon. Give it to me, baby.” 

“Fuck!” he groaned and seconds later, he was releasing himself inside of her. 

They tensed and pulsed together, letting themselves release their sounds from their throats without restraint. 

After, he caught his breath while hovering over her still and they remained silent as they revelled in the intensity they just shared. 

It was a life-changing experience, unlike any other. She’d never felt so open or freeing, so comfortable with the way her body commanded her actions without a single qualm. 

Gia was simply shattered. 

Utterly shattered. 

...

“When you know, you know.” Leon said sometime later. He was laying next to her now. They had been huddled together, still reeling from the passion they’d repeated for a second time before collapsing from the wonderfulness of it. 

She was delightfully sore from their efforts. 

“Know what?” Gia asked, closing her eyes as he rubbed his palm along her scalp. It caught on a few knots that he had to untangle gently, careful not to hurt her still. 

“That you’ve found the person you’re meant to be with. I’ve found that with you, Gia. I just know it.” 

“Do you want to know something?” 

“What?” 

“I just know it, too. You’re my person, Leon. And I never thought I would find you, let alone know so soon.” And she wasn’t saying this because he rocked her world in this bed. 

She felt lighter, happier than she had in the longest time it felt like. 

He smiled at her, his eyes a silent agreement that he confirmed with a soft kiss. 

“Want to know something else?” she asked when they parted and her body was once again ready for his. 

“Hmm?” His hands wandered down her naked flesh. 

“I think I knew the moment you walked into Al’s. Something compelled me to ask you to dinner. Now, I know why.” 

“Want to know a secret?” 

“Hmm?” 

He smiled at her repeat of his contented hum and confessed, “I was going to ask you out when you asked me. I had turned to leave, but something was pulling me to turn around. One glance back at you, in all your nervous energy, and I was lost.”

“I will be forever grateful to Al for forgetting to finish your suit.” Gia joked.

“Me too.”