OAQ Charm Offensive Falls Flat as Killings Continue

OAQ was widely derided by right-wing media, both by those who disagreed with her progressive policies and those who had lost loved ones and even pets due to her voracious appetite.

“Its not like I eat children...all that often,” she said in a disaster of a 60 Minutes interview. At the end the camera crew and their assistants had to run for their lives and yet there was poor old Tom. Tom Jenkins was a sound technician who thankfully didn’t have a family. He will be missed.

When asked for a comment about the incident, OAQ didn’t help matters any when she said, “Well everyone needs to die someday, am I right?”

But deep down OAQ is lonely. She never intended to crash land on earth after her spaceship suffered a hull breach, but now she’s here, running an underground repair facility teeming with workers who are working tirelessly to repair her ship. These workers have been known to work non-stop without food, water or rest until they fall over dead and burst into flames. Authorities have been dismissive so far about allegations that OAQ is injecting innocent workers with a venom that turns them into exploding zombies. And fueling the speculation is the fact that many of the investigators involved have been strangely silent, and some have disappeared altogether.

Today OAQ is sponsoring a bring your child to work day at the repair facility. According to the press release on her official website, she believes that young people should be an integral part of a healthy and balanced workforce.