10 things you should know about the astral vortex that is soon upon us

So.. you’ve done it. you went ahead and done it. the age of Gorvath is unleashed upon us once more, and you failed to get the scepter of Xarrxaxs to hold the lightning safely? well it happens to everyone. the question is, would you let such a thing ruin everything, or will you summon the courage to do the right thing and weild Elthinar once more? just kidding, only newbies fall for the old Elthinar bit.

well, here is a list of things you may want to consider, as the astral vortex descends upon you.

10 . No , doing the time warp will only make things worse.

seriously, think before doing something like this. ‘it’s just a jump to the left? and then a step to the right?!’ might as well be doing the hockey pockey. just remember that the good intentions that you have do not actually sway the vortex. it devours all. even smokers. so think a bit before doing things you might regret.

9. This is not the first time this is happening.

honestly, people have short memories. the astral vortex and the age of Gorvath happen much more frequently than you would guess. personally, I’ve ridden this rollercoaster six times, and the others poke fun of me for not completing the first set of eleven. on a long enough time scale it happens to everyone. you can be sure of only death, taxes and the age of Gorvath.

8. How the Elthinar myth started?

well, i’ve done some research on that. apprently, a few epochs ago there was this reincarnation of the fourth ring of Farbznaks, who thought it would be cool and lucrative to provide the sheild of Harmastra to the more naaive. he made a killing with the stuff, but ironically was found with an inverted skin, the next approach of the Sylnantrial worm. his demise, started the running joke. every year, countless aspirants sacrifice and drink the blood , only to find the Elthinar too unweildy and impossible to use effectively.

totally avoidable.

7. Shakespear and many more were great fans of the vortex.

many of the bard’s plays and sonnets are actually devotional nods to the age of Gorvath. no. not Mcbeath! look carefully at his work, and it just glares at you. the easiest one , of course is Desdemona; treacherous, untruthful, brings doom to all..need i say more?

of course old Billy was not the only one. Lord Byron, for example wrote the whole ‘she walks in beauty’ thing after one of the more severe Gorvaths.

my favorite , of course is Walt Whitman, who avoided succumbing to temptation only by becoming electric in body. in his poem, he alludes to plenty of other useful tips of how to get through this. (‘the armies of those I love engirth me’- just spell it out, why dont ya?)

6. Yes , elevator music is involved.

if you can’t handle an early 80′s synth version of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker suite, you are in trouble, enough said . steel yourself, for the vortex knows much of what you fear.

5. The third circle of Raml’ar shall usher the chosen one to the Ephoria.

well , of course it does. if you are not the chosen one, don’t worry about it. you can try to fake it until you make it. or retrieve the staff of Marthran to the ancient house of woe. that could help. just mind your step, they haven’t cleaned there in years.

4. Yes, you can get a few days off work for this.

Most countries allow for the age of Gorvath in their labor law. if you have an employer who doesn’t not share your pessemism, or excitment at the coming of the migthy one, be sure to search carefully within the code. if necessary, consult the oracle of Scardazc for help in the matter.

3. No wallpaper with patterns of any animals of the Chordate phylum.

it goes without saying, really; taxonomy and good taste go hand in hand. but even if you are tacky enough and want to paste kitties , bunnies and veloceraptors on your walls, just remember that any graphic representation of eyes gives the Gorvath something to observe with. the astral vortex is also quite adept at sending the tendrills through that way. but do what you want with your house..

2. The mouth of the beast may be the best place.

it runs counter-intuituve, but the age of Gorvath starts off reletively easy. remember also that even if you have not acquired the scepter of Xarrxaxs, or procured the Elixir of Malvê, it is possible, that you can piggyback on someone else’ success or sacrifice. remember that it never hurts to ask-it hurts to be impaled.

1. Look on the bright side.

that’s right. you might not see it, in all the confusion and hurried preperation of the pentgon of Hësgr or the bloodletting of the Schnarvalk of Hallath, but take a moment. look at this as an opportunity. so many fallen shall leave their rubies, so many damsels will cry in distress. if you make it through, you will better off. the age of Gorvath is only scary because it has an astral vortex. well, that and poison, claws, tendrills, raspy tongues and an ear-piearcing cry. all the fools who rush in, trying to reach the chamber of Aldravar are those idiots who fell for all the silly tropes. stretegic thinking is required. and tolrance..don’t forget tolarence...

bonus tip: flossing and proper dental are essential for success. a few minutes a day spent, an eternity of anguish in the abdoninal dimention saved.