(re)thinking

i was never

a christian.

my family

never went to church

unless my grandma

was visiting.

i never had to

bite down on

the straw that fed me

poisoned lies

filled with self hate and

entitlement.

but i felt it.

when my grandma visited,

i could feel something wrong

with the air

or maybe it's just that

the act of

dressing up nicely and

talking to

strangers

who couldn't accept me.

once i had a friend

tell me i was going to hell.

i had other friends tell me

that i could be whatever i wanted

just don't

talk about it.

i brushed them off,

knowing that

religion was made

to control

grieving people

afraid of their own

mortality.

death never scared me,

even before i started

flirting with it.

i never knew the brutality

of coming out to a christian family

because my family was never really

christian.

i never had to decide

between god and my life.

i never had to decide

between heaven and hell

because i had never been brainwashed

into believing in all-or-nothing.

i never had to reevaluate my life.

i never had to force myself onto a new path.

i never had to change

because i was raised to believe in evolution.

i never had to argue with the science teacher about

the age of the universe.

i never had to rethink

because i was taught to think.