What do I tell my inner baby now, Dearest?

Dearest Masculine,

I write to you here because

there is no where else I can say this;

I write these lines here because

you aren’t here with me-

even though you promised you would be…

and I still have things to tell you

and it breaks my heart (more than anything)

that you won’t let me.

So tonight

when the moon is bright,

like it was

on that night

that I gave to you- me

and all my light;

I shall try and find the courage to tell you,

that lately it feels like

I can’t do this anymore…

Lately it feels like

I may not have the strength

to go on from us,

from you

and even trying shall

break me irreparably to the core…

Lately it feels like

I have forever been drowning

in my ocean of your absence…

I’m your baby,

I’m your mermaid,

but you,

my Masculine,

my Love,

you left me in broken scales and torn fins…

you left me bleeding on the shore…

Lately it feels like

my soft balmy October evenings-

where the sun (you)

has left the sky (my world),

may not feel so empty after all;

if the graceful moon

(my inner strength, my resolve, and retribution that comes through my awakening and healing- like forging a diamond in the fire)

has risen at the height of dusk…

pulling my waves toward it

calling out to me-

saying to me that it feels my pain

and tries to calm my turbulent waves

with pale, soft,

glittering, calm moonlight…

peaceful,

and relaxed… (my higher self knows that I will make it through this, and that this is not the end)

undeterred by my choppy razor sharp waves,

unafraid of my deep, pent up,

howling rage-

rage at having my essence (water)

forever burnt and evaporated

by the harshness of the burning sun,

when all I wanted was

to extend a wave or two

and caress the flames-

all I felt was a deep need to give my sun

some calmness,

some cool respite of my soft water love…

some of the exquisite tenderness and

divine love I had for you…

all I wanted was for my sun to feel about himself

the way I felt about him;

and all I wanted was to have my depths

illuminated by your brilliant light (I wanted you to love me),

tender warmth (I wanted you to want me),

and be enveloped in your flaming presence- I guess parts of me are taken hostage forever by you now- just like your burning rays stole my water… so I guess I am happy that this wish at least, has come true.

But Dearest,

before I veer away into endless labyrinths

of my unabsolvable anguish

and irreparable heartbreak;

I must come to the point-

I must tell you this-

I have started to feel like I may be

able to go on

and even though it may be

the toughest thing I have ever done

I think I am slowly gathering

the courage to at least try…

But I will forever and for always

be haunted by your memory,

be broken by the fact that you won’t see me,

you won’t talk to me,

you won’t let me see you,

you won’t let me talk to you,

and you won’t ever tell me why….

(Sone days I can’t remember your voice, or your face, and I break… all over again)

And Dearest,

my inner baby is screaming for you-

I’ve tried- more than I ever thought possible- to console her, but…

she won’t stop…

she won’t stop…

she won’t stop…

what shall I tell her now,

what shall I tell her now,

what shall I tell her now?

-Love. Loss.

-I went out today. I wanted to shop, laugh with a friend, have fun. I wanted to remember what it was like to be me before I met you. I bought scented candles. I remember I gave you a vanilla scented one, on 26th October 2019 at 1am. I hope you’ve used it. It’s my favorite. The one I bought today smells of the ocean- I got one for you too. I may probably never get to give it to you, because you’ve left now. I posted it on my Instagram story and found the most beautiful song ever to accompany it- I want us to listen to it together someday- and I immediately wanted to send it to you. Via message at least.

And then I remember- you don’t care. You don’t care what I do anymore, or how my day goes, or if I feel good or bad or how I eat, how well I sleep- not too well, hun, not too well.

You don’t care that I have nightmares of my dead mother lately and I wake up crying and screaming inside and being unable to breathe- in the middle of the night- and I can’t function for days on end, and it’s increased now, and I call you then when I need you most and you don’t answer.

You didn’t answer when I made my first call to you after my grandma died, because you’re the only one who’s voice I wanted, needed to hear. You didn’t pick up. You didn’t call back.

You don’t talk to me anymore. I don’t understand why. Please just tell me, so I can move on from this personal hell you put me in.

So yes, I remember all this and I think- what’s the point of wanting to tell you things, to update you, to try and stay connected to you?

You’re not here anymore.

You never were.

And so I write this here, but I know you won’t see it.

It’s better that way, right now I don’t feel like it’s okay to open up to you, and specially not in such a personal way.

I cannot show you my soul anymore.

You’re not here.

I still love you, though- tonight- I don’t want to.

I’ll meet you in my heart- at least I have you there…

P.s. the song is Epiphany- lofi edit.