Forgive Me….

“What are you doing here?” She sneered as she flung open the door.

Good question. Honestly, I wasn’t really sure what to say. My older sister, Livia, was standing there staring at me without a hint of warmth in her eyes. It was making it all the harder to come up with an answer. She held the door firmly in her grip, threatening to slam it shut at any second.I looked down and then around searching for a good answer.I noticed the place hadn’t changed in years. The house was older, needed some work, but still the same.I was stalling, and still didn’t have an answer.

I looked up at her again, her expression hadn’t changed. I couldn’t blame her exactly, I destroyed the sham she had built, the pretend she tried to live. I thought it was for the best, it was but I was wrong in how I did things. I had heard from other family members, the ones still speaking to me, my soap box confession of truth, was anything but helpful.

“Stasia…I asked you, What are you doing here?” She repeated annoyed and impatient.

“I’m trying to find an answer that won’t get the door slammed in my face.” I answered with a half smile in a poor attempt at humour.

Her blue eyes narrowed. Attempt at humour failed. I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. I didn’t expect this to be easy, I’m not sure what I expected.

“Can we talk? I think I need to come clean on some stuff….finally.”

Livia shook her head and let out something close to a laugh or maybe it was an attempt at a laugh, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She glared at me, her mouth once again tense as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. “What could you possibly have to say that I would want to hear…. I thought you said everything you needed too 5 years ago. Or maybe you don’t remember, it was the night before what should have been the happiest day of my life…” she snapped.

I looked around me, no one was around, but I’m sure people would pop out soon as Livia’s voice was rising. I should have expected this. I should have been more prepared. I put my hands up in surrender and took a step back from the door.

“Can we talk inside? I don’t think the neighbourhood needs the show.” I snapped back at her, my temper suddenly getting the better of me.

“What’s the matter little sister, you liked the spot light before. It was ok to destroy my life that night but now suddenly you don’t want everyone to hear what you have to say?” She shouted for anyone passing by to hear.

I glared at her and pushed my way passed her into the old family home. This was not going well, not at all. They say time heals all wounds….they lied. I heard the door slam behind me as I headed to the living room. Her angry footsteps followed quickly.

“Who the hell do you think you are, you can’t just come barging in here. This is my home.”

“Mom left it to both of us.” I snapped back, turning to face her.

She stopped dead. Her eyes blazing. If looks could kill, this would have been the 5th time she would have killed me. I could hear her breathing, she was trying very hard to control her temper now. She could do that, she had a way of bringing in her emotions that I never could. She could pretend a lot better then I could, it was very true that what I felt was always written all over my face and usually came out my mouth.

“I received the letter from the lawyer after the funeral. I was there, I just made sure you didn’t see me. It wasn’t the time to rehash old hurts. It wasn’t the time to…”

“It wasn’t the time to be a family. It wasn’t the time to put our feelings aside and support each other…” she hissed.

I shook my head. This was going nowhere but down the road I didn’t want to go.

“We both know Livia that we couldn’t put aside anything, not even for her funeral. It was better the way it was handled. Besides you had things under control and everything went the way you wanted it. You looked beautiful and tragic, the perfect weeping daughter. Everything was beautifully put together, you did a fantastic job I knew you would. Asher looked handsome standing tall beside you, I’m glad you stopped pretending and actually allowed him into your life. Rebecca was beautiful too, the perfect two year old, you made a lovely looking family. She has Asher’s features, she will be a heartbreaker when she’s older.”

Livia looked at her sister and suddenly grew very tired. She didn’t know Stasia had been there. She didn’t know where her sister had been, she hadn’t really cared after that night to be honest. Livia sank into the near by arm chair and began to rub her temples. She was tired. Tired of the anger she carried. Tired of being perfect. Just tired.

The room was quiet as I watched my sister sitting in her chair. I knew this conversation should have happened along time ago. It was my fault. It was all my fault. It was now time to fix it. I had missed so much, and hidden so much.

I sat on the beat up couch next to her chair. I looked at her, all the anger gone from my body. Now was the time.

“I’m sorry for what I’ve done. Sorry is not enough, not nearly enough for the damage I caused. I made the decision that I never should have made, it wasn’t up to me that night. I told Finn you didn’t love him and the child you were carrying was not his. I maybe should have trusted you, and your reasoning. But I didn’t see how you could have pretended to love him for the rest of your life just for his money and what he could give you in stuff. You loved Asher. Anyone who wasn’t blind could see you loved him, but he didn’t have the money to show you off and take you to all the hot spots and spoil you in what you thought you wanted in life. You didn’t love him, you loved his money. Asher made you laugh, he made you smile and he didn’t expect you to be perfect all the time. He just wanted you to be happy, and he was willing to let you marry that pompous jerk and let him raise his child if that made you happy….Well it wouldn’t have. That life would have made you happy for a year or two maybe…but not forever and well Asher would have been long gone. So I needed to act.”

Livia stared at me, saying nothing. The anger had melted. She slowly nodded, but continued to remain silent.

“Finn was not happy, but he knew what I was saying was true. He still wanted to marry you, not because he loved you but because this was the event of the year and you two were the most glamorous couple of city. I thought if he knew the truth he would just call it all off. But he thanked me and said he would still marry you, he would just alter some things in the paperwork. Make it a business deal. I should have told you that before I stood up in front of everyone and spoke I guess. But I knew that if I caused a scene and created some drama it would put an end to things. Ok my plan was not put together very well but I did it because…..well I think true love should win. And I really didn’t like that guy.”

Livia couldn’t help but smirk a little. Stasia could not be faulted for her honesty. She hadn’t liked Finn from the beginning. All flash and no substance was how she referred to him often while they were together. She had to admit, Stasia had tried to talk to her many times about their relationship. She was blinded by what Finn could give her. She liked him, but honestly he didn’t spark her attention like Asher did. Finn promised her the world, and had the money to back it up. All she had to do was look amazing and be the perfect hostess. She thought she could live with that.

“I was wrong Livia. I handled it all wrong that night. I never should have stood up and told everyone at the table that you didn’t love him and that this was going to be nothing more then a business deal… and that you were already pregnant. I had no idea this dinner included the media and how much this would blow up both the families. I honestly thought this was a big family dinner, I didn’t know the media followed him everywhere like some sort of royalty. I am so so sorry Livia.” I whispered softly. Livia nodded slowly, the softness in her eyes had returned, a sight she hadn’t seen in years. I continued, reaching for my sisters hand and holding it.

“The days that followed, the shame in the news, how badly you were trashed, how he spun it. I wanted to stay and fight beside you, knock the crap out of that jerk…but mom asked me to leave. That I had done enough damage. The way you looked at me that night, I knew you were angry and hated me at that moment. I did try to make it up to you. I didn’t know what to do, but I did what I could. When the media moved on to the next big story, I thought I could try and mend things. It went unanswered. I was even at the hospital when you gave birth, she was beautiful by the way. I snuck a peek when she was in the nursery but mom spotted me and quickly hid me. She knew what I had intended to speak to you and that I was sorry, but you had been through enough and we both agreed you needed space.She sent me pictures of you both, kept me up to date on how things were with you and Asher. And I knew when Mom got sick…”

Livia withdrew her hand and stood up suddenly. Her eyes flashed with renewed anger, “You should have come back and helped with mom. I hated you even more for leaving all of that too me. You were irresponsible and always running off…. Did you not know how hard it was to have to be the one to deal with everything? If it hadn’t been for some help from other family members…and Asher of course..”

“I did help!”I snapped back, then took a deep breath to beat back my temper. “I paid for a lot of her care. I couldn’t be there, it would have just been more for us to fight about. But I took care of the home care bills and the hospital and the funeral. You were there by her side, and yes that would have been a lot harder emotionally….but I was working my ass off to pay for everything..”

“What do you mean you paid for her care?….Asher said he got help from other family members, he never said it was you. When I checked on the bills, it never said who paid for it, just that they were paid…” she stated in disbelief.

Again suddenly exhausted she sank back into her chair, held her head in her hands. This was all too much, all the anger she held, the belief she had about her sister was slowly coming into focus.

“I asked Asher to leave my name out of everything, and to just give me the names and details of who to pay. It was the least I could do after everything I had done to you. I just wanted to do what I could to help, without causing you anymore pain. I was wrong. I was wrong in so many ways. I’m so sorry Livia, please forgive me…”I whispered, tears running down my cheeks. “Asher wanted to tell you, but I begged him not too. I told him I would come one last time to patch things up. You can tell me to go and not come back, I hope you won’t. I hope we can try and rebuild. I want to be apart of your life again. I want to know my niece and rejoin the family…please forgive me…please”

Livia looked at me intently, her eyes glassy, her skin pale and body tired. So much hurt wrote all over her face. We sat in silence for a few minutes, although it felt like years. It was all up to her, I said what I needed to say and now I have to learn my consequences.

Livia slowly got up from her chair and took a deep breath looking at the time on her phone. I straightened my body up, preparing myself for her words. Looking at her phone and then at me she sighed, “Rebecca will be home soon with Asher, you need to go.”

My heart sank but I nodded and slowly got up from the couch. I knew this could be the outcome. I had prayed it would go better, I searched for something else to say as I made my way to the front door. Livia followed behind me silently. Tears stung my eyes as I tried desperately to keep them from spilling over. I reached for the door handle and stopped. This couldn’t be it, I needed to say something else, anything else.

Livia didn’t give me a chance to speak, tears running down her cheeks she touched my shoulder. “Come for lunch on Saturday, you can meet Rebecca officially then. I can’t promise you anything Stasia, but I can try.” She whispered.

The flood of tears broke free. I turned towards her and flung my arms around her, hugging her tight. She slowly wrapped her arms around me and then too held tight, both of us crying like babies. Tears of healing, tears of exhaustion and then just tears.