Where blue waves meet the golden sky for one last time.

But that is what I’m trying to say, Dearest.

That this past year,

everything has changed

with me,

with us,

with you;

and I love you, I really do

but I am unable to continue

being in love with you…

I’m trying to tell you

that you are better off

without this fallen baby angel

with ripped and crumpled wings…

I’m trying to say

that I no longer have it in me

to yearn for you,

to long for you,

and I’m losing my soul trying to love you

come what may…

Please believe me, Dearest.

I do not see the sun setting

as the moon rises;

I do not see the waves rise and fall

in exuberance

to meet the brilliant blue sky

shining in all its glory…

I do not see you leaving your coat with me to come back for it…

I do not see you coming back for another kiss…

Please forgive me, Dearest.

I cannot see ahead now,

my thoughts are fogged with

a deep, infinite grief

that doesn’t seem to end…

I cannot feel my heart now

it doesn’t beat with as much vigor

it doesn’t pump with as much love…

I gave you all I had left,

and I’m still trying;

to give you parts of me

to make a few memories for you

that you may want to come back and touch

should you feel the need to…

But know this, my Masculine.

I still do love you a lot

and I always will,

nothing can change that;

but I don’t have much of me left

and there’s still a few things I need to do

for myself

and I do not want much

in the years to come

I am content with the few

simple pleasures I have now

and my solitude serves me well…

I need to gather my wings around me now

make a cocoon and curl up

into a small ball of love-

love that’s enough just for me;

and sleep a good sleep

and dream a good dream

of a small babygirl playing with her mother

in a field of white roses

in the warm glittering sunshine…

I need to go back to my mother now;

that is all I have energy for

and that is all I await now.

I need my mother now, Dearest…

I need to find her

I need to go to where she is

I know now- it is only there

that I’ll find the absolution,

the love that I seek…

and I don’t wish to go on

on any path

that doesn’t lead to her.

So for now I guess

I’m asking you to let me go

and don’t want me back into your reality…

I have things to do that I promised my mother I would with every last bit of me I have left;

I have to honor her memory by loving myself

like she would have expected me to…

Please let me go,

Please let me go,

Please let me go.

~Love.

Loss.

-This is hard for me. You aren’t here. I don’t see a way out.

-I would have told you all of this in person. But you don’t see me, you don’t talk to me. You don’t give me a chance to communicate. That’s not a good thing you’ve done; not a good thing.

-I write these here so that you may find them if you come looking; but I know you won’t. You never do.

-You’re long gone, but I’m still here. Writing this post feels like packing up the last box in an empty house that you no longer know well; you don’t want to leave but suddenly there isn’t a house left and your box is full of broken glass and it hurts. It’s not a good feeling, I can tell you that.

-Not having you in my life is starting to feel like the new norm; and I’m beginning to try to be okay with it. I should at least try, right?

-Whatever this was, I did not deserve it. I did not.

-I wish I had my mom around to teach me that boys like you aren’t good, but I don’t. I wish I had someone to talk to about all of what you did to me, but I don’t. I guess I have myself though, but I’m not sure how to go about that as yet.

-You need to let me let you go.

-Take care, Love.