Re-entry. The word I dreaded as the buzz heard immunity and vaccination became familiar. My excitement to move through the world more normally and not fear my loved ones becoming ill was haulted by the fear of going back into my office. An office that I had only worked in for a few weeks before the world haulted and an office I knew I did not want to go back to ever again. After 8 months in solitude with my fiance, I began to feel whole again after years of going through the motions. Wake up, shower, coffee, commute, talk to my coworkers about thier children I would never meet, listen to people suggest podcasts I would never listen to, stand around the water cooler talking abour recipes I would never make and worse that all of it, sit in boardrooms where my opinions were never valued.

I had finally begun to feel whole again and I shuttered at the thought of re-entering a space that took that away from me. I knew my peaceful cup of joe on the back porch would turn into a travel mug that would be left in my center console. I knew that my walk at lunch would turn into a granola bar hanging out of my mouth while I responded to emails. I knew that my focus would quickly be distracted by stories about my boss's sisters wedding or worse, small talk about the weather. My productivity and my personal time for self-care, organization, and recreation were to be taken away at 8:00 a.m. sharp on August 21, 2021 and all I could do was greive the inevitable loss of a peice of myself.

My first day back, I was in the office alone and yet I panicked. I feared the tranmission of the disease that I had watched nearly kill my mother and father on separate occaisons, but I also feared that my peace would never be restored. For a year, I worked ten-hour days, went through the motions, had the small talk, the pizza parties, the awkward hallway hellos and finally in October was able to find a remote position where once again I could begin to feel whole.