Back to work

If a week could be a warm, fuzzy, blanket, it would be last week. Spending time with family, then a childhood friend- I was at home in the newest of places. London intimidated me at first, but I am a big city girl and I fell right into the rhythm of it. That’s not to say I didn’t embarrass myself on the tube (someone even laughed at me once. It was very unkind, but I was too occupied by my predicament to mind). It’s the knowledge that you’ll never see any of the witnesses again that gets you by. This is not a luxury I have in my University town. I’m back now- I returned on Thursday night. I spent the first two days holed up in my room, gathering myself. I don’t know if I have succeeded yet- London was surreal, the independence of travelling alone is surreal, long winter nights are surreal- I often wonder if I’m not caught in a fever dream.

I woke very late this morning, despite having gone to bed relatively early. Long winter nights, I tell you. I woke up nervous about something I can’t control- I won’t do this anxiety the dignity of writing about because, quite simply, there is nothing left to do. Instead, I’ll talk about things I CAN control that are making me very nervous- huge amounts of research to start wading through, and deadlines on the first day of term. So here I am, after a large tea and an ill-advised but scenic rainy walk, in the library. It is two in the afternoon, which means the sun sets soon. I realise that my bitterness about this may not come across from the written word, so I’ll just say it- I’m bitter. Four hours of a downcast sky is all I get before the sun leaves me to a night of work.

So it’s cold, literally and metaphorically. It’s colder now than it was in the warm fuzzy blanket that was last week, but I always say I prefer cold weather. Now, this is easy to misunderstand. I don’t like being cold. I just like warming up in cold weather- cosy layers, hot drinks, and all that. Hot weather is much harder to get away from. The metaphorical cold, now that I’m back at University, is coming from all the work that needs to get done over the next three weeks. So I’ll warm up, metaphorically and painstakingly, by doing the work. I’ll just comfort myself with thoughts of how I will feel when it’s done.