The Ultimate Weight Loss Guide

1. Embrace Your Fear: Surround yourself with things that terrify you, the scarier the better. Everyone knows that a faster heart rate and higher adrenaline levels translates to more calories being burned and, hence, more weight loss.

2. Eat-Eat-Eat: A lot of people complain that losing weight requires that they stop eating, but that's simply not true. If you eat nonstop you'll eventually vomit, causing you to lose anywhere from 80-100% of the weight you just gained. See, easy!

3. Commit a Felony: Felons often face terrific conditions for losing weight in prison, especially in locations that offer supermax or private prison alternatives. It's not a diet per se since its not your choice, so it'll work great for those of us that just can't seem control our urges. Just remember not to cover it up too well or you may just get away with it!

4. Get X-Treme: Embracing extreme sports can be a great way to a ton of weight super quickly as terrible accidents associated with these activities often lead to large amounts of blood loss and, if you're lucky, amputated limbs, both of which have mass that (currently) contributes to your overall weight. Bonus points if you don't wear pads!

5. Die: Have you ever seen a zombie movie? How about The Walking Dead? Sure, the undead may look a little wonky, but you know what no one ever calls them? Overweight. That's because it's been scientifically proven that when you die, your body decomposes and all that pesky fat you just can't seem to get rid of is returned right back to the Earth. And if you're really committed, give cremation a try for optimal results!