Re: your query

Dear whoever,

As I read your query letter I wept. What moved me was a sudden loss of faith in the entire writing process...and the human condition in general. You seem to have swung so low that I imagine you can see up your entire ass. Is it really possible to make something like genocide--as you stated--"a riotous romp of hilarity that puts our meaningless lives in perspective." Then, I wondered if I hated you simply because I didn't like what I was hearing or because, instead, you are bankrupt of all humanity, compassion, or any semblance of propriety in a civilized society. Have you, like the rest of us, grown extra convolutions around your limbic system to police those caveman urges that are championed in your work? Apparently not. You are your own limbic system incarnate. You are pre-civilization, antediluvian, and soulless.

The reason I wept is that there is such a person as you, capable of sending a person like me, a query like that. Perhaps I'm particular, but I don't feel you're a good fit if you've lost your fucking mind. Not only will your work not sell, it will be placed on the Internet as a caveat on what to avoid when writing a query--no, it will be prominently displayed in the "Crimes Against Humanity" Hall of Fame as the very Anti-Christ of query examples. I take your work, your sentiments, and your whole raison d'être and I purposely implement a bulimic digital maneuver upon it. I want you to die--no, I want you dead--no, I want you to have been dead for centuries--no, I want you to die all of those deaths at the same time. In fact, just fuck you. In further fact, in the words of John Irving, "Fuck you to death!" This is a very subjective business, and other agents may think differently.

In conclusion, may you enter Hell forthwith, even before you die. And just to be clear, I didn't like your query and decline to represent you.

Stronger letter to follow.