I CANNOT TELL IF IM DIFFERENT TODAY Dear Father, Creator of the earth, the Sun, the Moon and all things this universe contains, i am very great full for all of these moments. Every moment I have had, has had such wonderful gifts and I’ve seen such magnificent things. Thank you for the miracles that show me your glory, your compassion and thank you for all the love i have witnessed from all living things. I may not show my appreciation as often as i need too. I don’t do a very good job showing the way i feel. I do believe in the goodness of the world. I find myself so very distracted with pride and all the trivial things that distract my focus. I don’t know how to feel emotions very well. I have become overly comfortable with the uncomfortable pain i feel from my perspective. I wasn’t always this disconnected with the world and the way my choices impact it. If i was stronger or more aware of the moment at hand, I could hope for more fulfillment and peace of mind. I was able to taste the flavor of balanced consciousness a couple times and in those moments i did feel the true connection to what you are. I have done some of the tasks i feel you designed to be part of my destiny. I know i have also failed myself and the world far more often than the world has caused me discomfort.

I am so vey far behind where I feel i belong. I was hoping to ask. If you could please find a way to forgive me for all my selfish behaviors, and for the way I have not respected the familiar relations which i have connected ties to, in this time. I am having a very hard time making the choices that will pull me closer to you, your love, and the love of our society.

I do not have even the smallest understanding about what we are all here to obtain. I have a pure understanding of what is truly beautiful about life. At least I think i do. I have learned that being honest is the most important aspect of this life. I know that being dedicated to helping each other is more than just feeling good about my self, and i do try to have an open enough soul to identify with the trials and tribulations which i know have affected the people around me. I have been totally committed to the love of my life and I have gone too far to try and prove myself for her. i don't understand why I must feel so much desire to be a man that is always helpful to what others want. I find myself all twisted up in the choices i make because what feels like the perfect plan of action to resolve my needs and even help the needs for my close relations, will somehow go very wrong and i feel i have caused there to be far more trouble and stress. Am i truly just unlucky or is it some cognitive flaw within the logical pattern of my problem solving cognitive mental abilities?

I just don’t believe in myself at all anymore and the next moment, will just prove to me that I’m right to not trust my instinct. I cant’ seem to move through the tragedy of the recent past and i feel so much resentment for not having the foresight or awareness during certain moments. Moments that had so much impact on the happiness of myself and so many others. Why was I so distracted and distant? Why did you not just have me go with her? I know if i was there nothing could have turned out the way it did. i am so very lost without her here. I know she is in my heart and i do feel her presence near me. It isn’t the same though. I really need to have her arms around me and I need to hear her voice. i want to know what I’m doing wrong and why i find myself just confused about the most simple things. Why did she have to go and why did she have to leave in such a tragic way? Shilo is the best thing about my life and i really believed that we had to have had so much more time to be in love, and alive together. i wanted her to know that i could be the successful husband. I wanted to be a part of her dreams coming true. It isn't right and I don't think that it’s at all acceptable. I know that I’m being selfish. i have faith that there is a truly beautiful reason why you took her from us. It just doesn’t make any sense to me Right now though. I feel like the hate and pain that i have caused in my past is all stacked up against me. I’ll never be deserving to be happy, Well, If that’s the case why do i have to be so stuck in it?

I cant find my soul and the emptiness inside of me is not getting smaller. I feel almost Hollow inside and what was left of the hope i was clinging onto isn't going to last.`

Father God, I know the truth. I know what real love is about. I know that i can feel it, when their is pain in others eyes and i know i can help so many people understand themselves, if i express your will. I know what gifts you have installed into me. The feeling of my purpose is so strong, and yet, I try and try and try to find the right set of actions that transform me from being this beaten down pitiful thing that’s living in the failure after mistake and panic disorder mentality of this lifestyle that i’m living, to the quiet, observant, dedicated, compassionate and respectful soul i am supposed to be.

It just seems like every time i get the chaotic mess under control, i get hit with another misleading moment full of fear and anxiety; i just wanted to love myself enough to go through life and be better than i am bad. If i had a the chance to erase me, i would do so.

If you can be so kind as to show me why the hell i am still here and maybe show me enough love to have just a small amount of conviction to remember how it feels to be confident enough to hope for love and life to continue into another day. It would really help me.

Father please help heal me and the painful way i am inside. I have a bear trap clasped around my heart and every thing i do is causing my life force to drip out of the wounds that I wont let heal. Amen

God if you can please save me because i can’t beat this thing .. I give up, and I surrender this way to anything different. Amen ........

Here is the final dream. It’s nothing we can remember,

It’s the ashes of our life spreading into the winds of our soul.

Robert William Stewart

Is this my time because I lost the clock on my watch. Is it still five after the moment I woke up in a sea of wishes which became the fishes swimming in my eyes¥