listen

i know you're not listening

stop forcing what you think goes on in my head

like pushing a brick wall directly at me

sandwiching me in between your wall and my wall

but there's other people like you out there

and all i can see

are walls

not my walls - no, mine are colourful and ugly and ineffable

it's not that simple

and you're just hurting me as everything closes in around me

and starts crushing my bones

my will

my wall

because well done, you've made it through my wall - smashed it down

you've convinced me

im broken

i need to be fixed

i need to overcome my anxiety

instead of letting me do what is best for me

instead of letting me embrace it because it's part of who i am now

because you don't know what is best for me - you think you do

but you don't know what it's like

because if i could get rid of it i would have already

it's not normal anxiety. it seizes me and controls me and i can't talk to you anymore because you don't understand

and now im trying to pick up the pieces of a wall that was hideous and beautiful and me

i hate you

i only say that because

you've hurt me

you've left me defenceless

vulnerable

alone

because once a wall starts to crack it falls

so easily. and you all just retract because i pretend

i agree with what you're saying

that i could have handled it better

that i could have done so many other things better

what the hell do you want me to do when all my energy is spent

holding me together

because ive taped my wall back together

it's a million times less strong than before

and im scared that if

i panic again

if i tell you i cant breathe

if i tell you im stuck in my head and im going insane and im terrified

you'll give me one small push

and i'll fall again