Abandoned
I have a fear of abandonment
I know that I wouldn’t be able to handle it if
Someone left me; I can’t be left alone
So I hold on tightly to the friends I have and make new ones sparingly
I thought the feelings would fade, but now that I’m older the weight on my shoulders seems to have grown
I fight to have courage, but I’m a coward and not what I dare to be
No matter how many times you say you’ll be there for me
I’ll still fear that one day something I say will play a role in us parting ways, so desperately
I cling to you to you in hopes that you’ll stay
My fear has no weight, but I stay up late and lay
In bed, thoughts racing through my head, pondering my mistakes and if you’ll be there when I’m lying in a casket
I’m clingy, I’ll never leave your side, though I try to mask it
My thoughts are toxic, they tear me to pieces
They beat me down and keep me fearing your leaving is nearing; it never ceases
I don’t know why I keep sipping this poison they offer
They have me convinced that they are the author of my future
But the Hell they show me is not what I desire
Fear grips me by the throat like thorns to a flower
I feel like I have no power
I feel like everyone I love is waiting to leave me
My wicked, twisted thoughts continue to deceive me
Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain
I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name
Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist
Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind
Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide
If I love you, I have something to say to you
But I just can’t bring myself to
A confession of addiction, an affliction that’s been with me for too many years
A talk of salvation, a conversation among the chiefest of my fears
Unexplainable feelings of love and a hope that they’re supported by our God above
An explanation for my hiding and how I just need your love and a hug
A talk of my heart and if it will ever start to heal from the loss of my beloved pet
The inevitable confession to the love of my life I haven’t yet met
A letter of regret about how I wasn’t entirely truthful about being better
But this fear of abandonment stops me from doing this, thinking that you’ll leave me and be bitter
I’m still heart broken and unprepared for loss, so I haven’t dared to come clean and talk
This lack of trust in my friends and family is holding me back in my life’s walk
Abandoned and left for granted, I don’t think I can take the pain
I’m delirious for fearing this, so I call on God’s name
Living, loving, losing, there is no choosing life’s next twist
Hiding and confiding in isolation, I can’t find peace of mind
Living, loving, losing, I’ll keep choosing to hide
I’ve been hiding for too long
Lost in gloom, yet again I’m confiding in a song
I best express my thoughts late at night in rhyme
I confide in these lines but they only help for a brief period of time
I have come to find that the solace they provide is empty and temporary
But the only other option is opening up, and I find it scary
So I’m wary to proceed, but it’s obviously the deed God wants from me
To be freed from this fear I have so needlessly
So when I’m abandoned, which I still can’t bear to let happen, I guess you weren’t a friend in the first place
But I love you; and your friendship cannot be replaced