To disappear

I fantasize about going off the grid. Leaving social media, society, and cities behind, choosing a life of tranquility. I fantasize being woken up by the Earth's clock, instead of being jolted out of bed by a soulless alarm, making every morning essentially a fire drill. No wonder I am stressed. I go about my days, dreading meetings at work and worrying about what people I do not even know (or truly care about) are posting on their social media accounts. In this world, I consume, I don't engage. I am isolated. The pandemic made it worse. I am no longer uncertain in just myself, I am uncertain in everything. How do I break out of this? I want to be set free. I want to feel whole and infinite. I want to internalize the balance that the universe is built upon. I am not a machine-robot-consumer role I am being forced into! I fantasize about nature, a landscape with mountains, and a garden by my home. Home. That is a fantasy in itself, considering I am still paying off my student loans and definitely cannot afford a down payment. Even if I could, I cannot even build a house by myself without having to pay someone for it. Every square foot on earth costs money. Who owns it? I dream off turning off my fancy iPhone. But, if I did that, I would miss that afternoon team meeting, and I need this job. So I go back to consuming, fantasizing about a simpler life, and tolerating the convenience of my existence.