The secret to documenting lions

I've been a documentarist for many years. Went through all kinds of environments and ecologies. I hunt not with a gun, but with a camera.

But that does not mean the animals won't try hunting me.

The dangers in the field are not just a poorly focused camera, or a bad pickup on the microphones. No. The worst it gets is when the fauna decides that you need to see how the jungle really is, and start getting pouncy and stabby. Mauling is the no.1 cause of death for documentarists who specialize in big predators like lions, tigers and bears. Even warthogs, or hyena can be a serious threat, despite the fact that you are trying to show the world the 'grandure of the animal kingdom'.

But there is one trick that can save your life; Ramen noodles.

You see, ramen noodles are made to nourish a person for a meal, but they are also designed to have a very long shelf life. Now, think, how do you keep them so edible after so long a time? Deterance.

Animals and even microorganisms, know better than to mess around with perceived potential dangers. The geniuses that design those packs, build this sense of dread into each and every pack. A mere whif of the stuff, and most animals know you are probably diseased or poisonous.

Now. Don't get me wrong. It's not like i take those square or circular slabs of noodles and wear them around my neck, after slathering my raincoat with the condiment and seasoning sachets. No. That is what the newbies do.

You see, the thing is , that over time, you develop such a familiarity with the smells of the noodles, that you become desensitized to it. After such a long period of constant exposure, you lose your revoltion to this 'food' and begin to feel confident handling it. You learn how to use it safely, and where you can cut corners.

But it gets better. Because ramen noodles, you'll be surprised to know is NOT actually poisonous! It's true!

Call me crazy, but I even EAT that stuff!!

And this is the real secret to being a documentarist; the willingness to do whatever it takes to get the perfect shot. I eat the ramens.

Like I said, they are perfectly safe to consume and are lightweight to pack. Most importantly, all those nauxious smells and aromas that are so repugnant, are sweated out of your skin after digestion, not unlike alcohol. Simply put, ou reek of ramen noodles, at least as far as a large carnivore is concerned. They smell the ramens and know exactly how dangerous you are. Even mosquitos try to keep away.

Such is the engineering triumph that is Ramen noodles.