ramble

tonight i don’t care

anyone could text me, call me up, and i’d answer - and not in a bad way, not in a depraved way - i simply would talk to anyone right now, and listen, and enjoy it, or feel nothing at all

it’s odd and off-kilter and i feel that i’m floating a little, floating in a space between passive and passion

the words ramble in my mind

is this disassociation? i look in the mirror and see me, me who can smile with sparkling eyes, me who can laugh with head thrown back, me who is doing nothing but staring at herself, motionless, but feels rigidity in her bones

it‘s not sadness

it’s not peace

there‘s a desire to do something reckless, to feel something hot and fierce and bold and cruel, to set fire to something or throw a hammer through a window or tear a pillow to shreds with a knife

maybe it’s a stage of grief? heat coils in my belly, the words in my mind are flat

tonight i don’t care

and i could do anything with it