Couldn’t heal

I couldn't heal because I kept pretending is I wasn't hurt.

That's what I was used to. Pretend it didn't happen and it will go away right? Wrong you may be able to ignore it for a while but it will always sneak up on you at the worst time and when you least expect it. It will sneak up while you are laying in the dark. In the silence at night when your mind begins to wander. When all of those questions you have been avoiding all day pile up like a log jam in your head. Blocking you from what you want... what you need, sleep... peace. Just a break even if it's temporary even if it only lasts the night. I just need a little break just a little time to breathe. A little time to just not be this person for a little bit. I want happiness I want love and connection. I just want one thing to make all of this shit worth it. I mean I can take it I know I can I've taken it my whole life. But for once I just want to enjoy life I don't want to hate it. I still have things I want to do but they seem so far out of my reach. It feels like I'm in a pool treading water trying to keep my head up but there are cinder blocks tied to my ankles and the harder I fight the more tired I get and the farther down it pulls me.