Pain

High School was horrible.

I think all those glamorized movies and books where the boy meets girl, problems happen, and then they get together and kiss while angels sing around them made me feel better about myself, not worse. I knew that they were fake, so I soaked up the happiness and didn't expect it to happen to me.

I don't know why, but I have never expected to get my prince charming. I know I will find him, I just think that he won't choose me. But I'm getting down a rabbit hole that I can discuss later. Back to my drama.

In 9th grade I didn't have any classes with Max. By this point, we basically didn't acknowledge that the other person existed. I know this is entirely my fault. Max is the sweetest guy, and he tried many times to reach out to me, but I was hurting from too many things to let him in. So we became strangers to each other.

Max joined the swim team. Kiley told me that he joined to loose some weight.

I got through freshman year without dying entirely. I call that a win.

In 10th grade I had one class with Max. Honors English. That was honestly the most useless class I have ever had in my life. I don't think I learned a single new thing during the entire year. I sat in the same seat for two quarterly seating charts. The teacher didn't hate me, but she didn't like me.

Max was the highlight of that class. He always made funny remarks and made me smile even when I felt like the day was horrible and I wanted to sink through the cracks in the floor and never be seen again. It was in that class that I wanted to be friends with him again. I never made a move though. I knew, and know, that if we are going to be friends again it is entirely up to me.

Three months before the end of the year, Covid hit. We got sent into quarantine, and not a moment too soon. I was dying. My friend troubles combined with my toxic perfectionism made me want to quit life and live in a white box all day.

I could write a whole 'nother post on why I was dying that year, but since it has nothing to do with my story, we are gonna move on.

I spent the rest of the summer wanting to change. I was sick of the way I was handling things, and wanted to be better, and do better.

So of course the first thing I did next school year was avoid all my problems.