That Night in December

I've always been a coward,

In the face of an angry man (thanks, Dad!)

Until a hateful night in December,

when an argument turned violent.

And I felt no fear, no anger, no sadness.

I felt nothing but bitter disgust with the realization.....

I will forever chase that which hurts,

I will always crave what's harmful,

I will only love men who can't love me back.

That night in December....

I laughed in the face of his anger.

My laughter fueled his temper.

I laughed harder, working to incite him.

Prodding with insults & a condescending tone.

He came at me with the Devil in his eyes,

With furious intent.

I watched him struggle to keep control.

And I dared him to do his worst.

Go ahead, motherfucker.

I've taken beatings -

Loved after bloody altercations.

My signature move is called "disappearing."

- it involves running away at first chance,

- staying hidden until hotheads cool.

Plan B combines soothing, coddling & distracting.

- diluting fury by kissing ass & sucking dick.

Disgusting.

Fights must always be avoided.

I cheapen my spirt, I whore my soul

To avoid them.

Except that night in December.

The next day, my life was very different.

Now I know how far I can push this man.

Now I know that I'm uglier than I feared.

And choosing "fight" over "flight" doesn't really work for me, either.

Now I know why I choose men who hurt me with their love...

It's exactly what I deserve.