Forgivness

To the one I wronged, you know who you are.

I have only recently had the nerve to read the last message you sent to me three months ago. When I finally read it I became physically sick to my stomach. The year since I saw you last has been nothing but a long dark tunnel for me. An escape route from my past life to a purgatory where I comfort myself with lies about what really happened. I cannot imagine what this year has been like for you. What I put you through was unforgivable. Looking back at my past I am horrified. I am not the man I want to be. I don't even think I qualify as a man, or if I ever did. Every day of my life so far has been nothing but a carefully constructed lie. So much time was dedicated to being someone I did not know. Someone I did not want anyone to know. The mask I adorned became so tightly glued to my skin that I forgot how to be myself. It's basic human instinct to pursue the desire to be accepted and wanted. I did not understand that this shouldn't boil down to trading in all aspects of your own dreams and humanity for the sake of normalcy. I took so much pride in the fact that no one saw through me. That no one knew me. That somehow this was the ultimate achievement. Ignoring the fact that I was so desperate for everyone else's approval that I worked at my menial job for fifteen years and convinced myself I wanted nothing more. That with the money I saved I could retire early and do what I really wanted. Whatever that was. I told myself I was happy in my marriage. That love was convenient and didn't mean anything other than sharing the same house and bed. I wore the ring like a badge of honor, like I had achieved yet another milestone in my life. My daily existence was akin to putting on a suit of human skin and playing out a role on tv. Except there was never a moment I could take it off, aside from my dreams. All I did at one point was dream while I slept-walked through life. I thought I was clever by deceiving everyone, but I was a monster. And I blamed everyone that I hurt. I hurt everyone who came too close. If I couldn't be human, couldn't be my true self, no one else could be treated like a human either. I belittled, objectified, and dehumanized people. I did this to you of all people. The only person who wanted to know me. I mistook your kindness for weakness and exploited it for my own gain. Now I am haunted by the idea that I extinguished your capacity to care and rendered you unable to love again. I don't know how to atone for all this. I only write to let you know that I finally acknowledge the pain I caused and I am sorry. I know it was my fault that I was fired for my actions. It was my own fault that my wife divorced me. I will be sorry and filled with regret until the day I die. My only hope is that somehow you escape from the hell I put you in. Perhaps this letter will make a difference somehow.

-R