Old Friend

Welcome back old friend. I honestly didn't miss you and wish you would fade again. But as I sit here, I can feel your devilish desire creep into my mind.

I know you felt my stress, heard my longing to chase my dream. The dream that, let's be real, will always stay a dream. I picked the course of life I am on and acting/directing will stay a dream. But the longing to do that dream pulls me down every day. Gosh I would give a week off work to be in an acting gig. I would love to learn to direct, but my commitments at home....

I haven't missed your dark words. Old friend please haunt the dead, leave me alone. 'Would I be better off dead' you ask? Maybe, but there are roles and people that depend on me. It's selfish to do it, so I don't, but the urge today scares me. You won't win, I pray you won't win. It's just stress, so much stress I want to explode. I don't eat, I don't talk about it. What do you say? 'Hey! I am having dark thoughts, are you able to hear about it?' No, can't do that. Everyone has stress right now.

So friend, I'll just right, hold my scream in, bite the tongue, clench my fist and mentally punch the wall. Think about texting friends, but not actually do it. Put on a happy face when the parents come by. Then back to work, I love it, I swear, I just...I just want to work outside on a ranch sometimes. I want to work out my issues, give my mind a break.

Old friend I am wearing a uniform not a lot wear, I bear a rank that gave me hope I could train others. I am not a coward in this uniform, but I could be considered one since I can't pull the trigger myself and I can't ask another to do it.

Please old friend, go back to the shadow where I left you, purposely. Go back to the cold corner of my soul. Stop trying to drag me into the hole with no way out, I promise my grip on the side will hold me longer, then your grip on my mind.