Open ended emotional outpouring.

It used to be habit, natural, to reach out to you. I broke the habit, unlike how you broke me down, as it went quietly. I should have by then recognized all the signs of a controlling woman. A would be mother figure who I had muddied waters with and who lashed out at me in her hurt. I think you thought that if you could just control me I could never hurt you again and I think I thought that maybe I deserved that. It turns out I didn't. Even the guilty don't deserve to die they say, and there was I kneeling with your gun in my mouth, choking on the barrel but too afraid of being alone to spit it out.

You brutalized me in every way but physically and I let you because I need to be needed more than the average bear. I need to feel wanted to feel like I deserve to be alive. I'm verifiably fucked up from the experiences I had already lived through when I met you and I let you make it worse. It's actually not all that surprising turns out that's what most people do.

Even your self destruction begged for my attention and for the blame to fall at my feet. Yes I watched your world crumble and felt some quiet satisfaction because for all that you lectured me endlessly, you made the mistakes and not just small ones. I have every opportunity blooming in front of me and you're staring at a fallow field full of dreams planted but never tended. How can you expect to be handed a good life if you've never once tried anything different? We're built for seeing patterns I better than most, and yet you made the same choices and whined when you wound up in the same hole riddled boat.

You're attracted to cruelty and I can't claim immunity I would have married you wouldn't I? I would have laid at your feet and found myself happy there if allowed. But even someone who can accept being underrepresented and can accept being the quite easily handled friend, eventually begins to feel stepped on.

I would say that I'm nothing if not agreeable and that wouldn't be totally a lie. While I do on some matters have a hair trigger, I've known few personally slower to temper than I. And you find fault with me that I don't express emotions immediately. I cannot bear to be angry or apart of conflict. So I shutter my hurt and shoulder my feelings until I'm cool and calm enough to discuss.