I dreaded existence before. I dont know what to make of it now

PART I

"I had lived my entire life trying to make sense and meaning of my existence. Everything always just felt boring and mundane. Nothing too exciting nothing so special. Perhaps the search was my escape from feeling that way and hence, the need for seeking meaning.

Despite my best of attempts in trying to figure out this puzzle i never really found an answer. All that was ever experienced was unwinding of my brain cells to look at the same question through different lens. Something just enough to keep myself entertained till the boredom kicked in and it was back to the same process. I had spent a large portion of my life living this way.

I think maybe the answer is not really in knowing everything but in experiencing everything. "

This was me yesterday comforting myself through a self talking session . I had gone to a friends wedding and had caught up with a lot of people i hadnt seen in a very long time. Which had gotten me very anxious about how i am being percieved by them. " Am i this 29 year old out of shape man who hasnt dont much with his life and just went on about his imaginary adventures that didnt seem to benefit the world or him for that matter? Because i still drive that old car and lives in that same old house?"

That anxiety somehow continued its way through the drive home and into my bedroom where i had to talk myself into a story that made me feel good. Thats how i usually go to sleep when i find myself anxious about something. And i would wake up the next morning to a new day and a new start. Till the cycle repeated itself

But today something weird had happened. i woke up to a strange dream. I dont remember exactly what it was but it felt like this bright warm light just entering my body. And i just started sweating profusely after that. I woke up drenched and wanting to take a cold shower.

And this is where things started to get wierd. As i walked into the bathroom undressing myself i noticed muscles on my body i had only dreamed of before. Ecstatic and excited i just started admiring myself for a good time. I am pretty sure this has got to be dream. After a good cold shower i walk out without a towel. Why need to cover myself now? I walk straight to my dresser and reach out for those old unworn clothes that i once bought with the intention to wear them someday. I surprisingly fit in every cloth i want to try. Its almost like i look exactly how i want to look like in my imagination of it. This has got to be a dream! But i dont want to pinch myself, i want to see where this dream will go.

Next up i get dressed and go downstair to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. I know exactly what i have to do. Pick up 2 eggs , crack em open and go about scrambling them. As i begin to fry them i start to crave for pancake with maple syrup. I start to smell it immediately. My imagination feels so vivid. I close my eyes and i can see the caramel colored syrup flowing down those warm flufgy pancakes. Its almost as though......

Its right in front of me?

I open my eyes and see it right on the table next to the stove. Its exactly how i imagined it to be. At this point im just delighted and greatful. And im convinced believe that thus is a dream. So why not enjoy it?

i just play along to see what more can i expereince. I finish up in the dining room. And prepare myself mentally to head to work. But its a dream. Why do i have to go to work? Shouldnt i just take a day off? I pause and look around wondering what is really happening right now. So i decide to just go with whatever feels right . i pick up my car keys and walk straight up to the front door. I am soo used to doing this daily. I know exactly where the keys are placed. The exact sound the door makes when it creaks as i open and closes, i can actually hum it to a tune. I exit outside and walk towards onto my patio and straight upto where my car is parked. My door unlocker button never usually works but today i feel lucky. And lo behold, it works today. I twist and turn my keys for ignition and start my car. It starts straight up. But i remember i had to fill petrol from last night. As i drive on the highway towards the station. I find myself playing my favourite song. I never felt so happy. And its starting to feel soo real like maybe this isnt a dream. How can a dream be so vivid? And how can i notice soo much of details?

Whilst pondering on this thought i hit the first redlight on the route. A fancy car with a beautiful woman just stops right beside mine. As we are waiting on the light to go green i feel this strange sound inside my mind. At first i thought it was just me imagining something but as i paid closer attention i started to hear actual words . I look at the woman in the car beside and she makes eye contact. Then like a loud thump i hear an actual sentance. "What a weirdo!"

That just leaves me very confused what is happening. As i stare at her i can begin to hear exactly what her reaction to me is. I hear her first impression about me. It is a very wierd situation. i am curious to explore but at the same time i am actively aware how i am being exactly percieved. I had to look the other way as i dont hear how me having a prolonged eyecontact has passed the stage of normal. As i look at the redlight waiting for it to turn green, i can hear her now draw up an image of me. "This weirdo drives this old car, he doesnt seem like the person i would be comfortable, no matter how he looks."

This makes me wonder what would she have thought of me if i had driven another car? As i drove to petrol station i started to imagine myself in a ferarri. I imagine it in great detail, the feeling of it, the leather seating, the steering wheel, the speedometer going from 0 to 100. Everything that i can possibly imagine. For some reason i was able to even think of details i hD never thought about before. I never knew what torque or horse power really was but now i am able to draw the entire engine without actually ever having seen one before. This has to be a dream... i park my car at the gas station and get out to fill in the fuel. As i open the gas tank i start to panic, i am not really driving my actual car. Its the car i was imagining a minute ago.

I am now overwhelmed with contradicting thoughts. Did i accidentally drive someone else's car