i prayed for help a few times, but i think the devil answered
it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another morning/day/weekend/opportunity. i feel terrible heading into monday. again. maybe it’s always been this way.
scratch that, start again.
it wasn’t my intention to sleep through another…
*eye twitch*
*the pages are empty*
i have a list of goals for the year, pinned in the corner of the whiteboard above my desk with small square magnets. i thought that, maybe, some focus would stop the muffled taunts in my head.
+sulfur+
i’ve come a long way. you could say that i have absolutely nothing to worry or complain about anymore. that’s true in some ways. but in all the ways that matter, i’m a complete mess.
i’ve prayed a few times in my life. in 2011, to get on a graduate scheme. at airports. drunk and alone on an abandoned plot of land at 3am. i think they are turning that land into offices now.
i don’t drink anymore. it’s been 103 days.
my asks were ‘small’, and generally, granted. get the job. don’t die in a plane crash. other things i’d rather not go into.
recently i woke up dead. again.
in the background i can hear sparse, slowed piano keys__-___—_
the constant headaches make me go cross-eyed.
i’ve been on my own my whole life. even when i’ve been with others. i can never relax.
xx
i think i’ll give it another go. i’m really not sure how many more goes i have left in me. 1 more at least. for old times’ sake.
i’ll summon something from within, instead of spinning the wheel with an unknown entity.
if/when you pray, don’t make it about you all the time. it’s best to not ask for selfish things from something you can’t see or understand.
there’s a price. and you always pay. 1 way or another.
always.