I’m not okay

I'm not okay. I know I told you I was I said I was fine and I really wanted to mean it. But it's not true I'm not okay and I'm not sure if I ever will be. I want to be I'm trying so hard to be okay to be fine... but I'm not and I don't know how to fix it. All I want is to be okay even if it's just for a second. I just need a little peace a little break from this hell hole that is my head. I'm slipping and I don't know how to stop it. I don't feel bad anymore about lying about my sobriety because if they cared they'd notice right... I don't feel bad when I say I'm busy when I'm just laying in bed or when I let your call ring out and then shoot you a "sorry can't hang today" text. But I can't tell you any of this because it is not your burden to bear and I do not want to become a burden that you must bear. So I will bear it until I can't anymore. Until there is nothing left of me and I finally give in I will carry this so no one else has to.