Raw Innocence

I was a lonely child growing up but I wasn't aware of that.

I would always go to my neighbor's house to play all day, pick a fight with some boys with the same age, quarrel with some kids in our village plaza, borrow a stranger's bicycle because I didn't have one, the list goes on as my unruly self was being molded.

But I always felt lonely and I didn't know that word at that time. It was a foreign but familiar feeling as it accompanied me in my youthful adventures.

Waking up from our once tattered house, roof filled with holes, hearing the rooster's crow wasn't enough to arouse my childhood self but someone was already up, preparing for breakfast and preparing for work.

And just like that, my morning would come and go as quickly as it began.

I always followed my grandfather together with my brother every morning to stroll around the village as we walk our dogs. The same routine happens in the afternoon.

Grandfather was always lost in thought, in daze, everytime we finished our routine.

I always see him like that,

him sitting before a vegetable field,

him sitting under the shades of trees,

him standing always looking beyond to what I couldn't perceive,

his shoulders always looked droopy but his back was straight,

It was still a foreign feeling looking at him like that but still familiar, if only, I knew what loneliness was at that time.

Then would there be a difference?

My mother was a highschool teacher but during my youth, she was still a practice teacher.

In my 3rd grade, I was a hot tempered child, quick to use fist but quicker in shedding tears. A very unruly girl indeed.

Because I always felt lonely, I learned how to seek attention from my parents, especially from my mother.

I always craved her warmth. And raw emotions were rampant within me, steadily flowing out and urging me to be out of control. It was a terrifying feeling.

I once thought,

"Why does she always spend time with her students and not me"

And from those thoughts turned into this,

"I hope mom won't come home anymore so I can play more".

A child couldn't understand how their parents suddenly lose their time to play with them just like a parent who couldn't understand their child's desire.

But then looking back,

My childhood self probably wanted to say,

"Mom, I was lonely and so is grandfather. So look at me, look at us, properly see me so I can see you too".