Things I Wish I Could Say

I've spent time trying to figure you out, to explain why you do what you do. I suppose it's possible that your daddy made you feel less than, or your mama told you that you'd never make it out of Georgia. It almost made me feel better, trying to solve the puzzle you are, because if I did that, then I would know the reason that you treat me like shit is bigger than us both. But then I get to thinking some more, and it strikes me that even if you have what they call capital T trauma these days, where's the line where you say enough is enough? That all the pain and hurt in the world can't justify you raining it down upon me tenfold? I am working so hard to find the humanity in you so that I don't lose it in myself, so that I am not so consumed by rage and sorrow that I become a black hole that sucks the joy out of everything around me. But on the bad days, and today is one of those days, I keep on thinking still, that just because someone is in a position of power doesn't mean they did anything right to get there. It doesn't mean they're smart, or brave, or deserving. In fact, on today's upside down Earth it's probably more likely that you got there by lying, cheating, deceiving - knocking people down as you go and smiling while you do it, working your way up the ladder of a system that was designed for folks like you to use it this way. And if that's the case, that means life really is unfair and no amount of hollering I ever do is going to make one lick of difference. There's nothing I can do to knock that crown off your head because the game is rigged against me and the only thing there is is to let you force me out, convince me that the only option I have is to leave to save myself, and to be okay with it. To be okay with you still sitting upon your throne built on top of the bodies you burned on the way to the cushion that cradles your ass. When all is said and done, what's the point of anything at all? I think.