7-29-2022 // RUIN IT BEFORE THE FIRST BITE, YEAH, okay. okay. alright. okay.

and you ask the question,

the one you know you shouldn’t—

the one that’ll hurt,

the one that’ll scar,

the one that’ll leave you gasping for breath

and unable to move for weeks,

the one that could break you forever.

but the answer

leaves something to be desired—

a pause, then a rushed response

that’s longer than “just in case”

but that hurts, if at all possible, a lot worse.

and you want to follow up,

with something like

“well, i won’t bring it if it’s bad,” or

“but do you think it’s worth it at all,

even as just a ‘just in case’?” or

something that’ll hurt worse to say.

but you don’t say anything at all.

you get in the car, and

hold the dessert in your lap,

and try not to frown.

you try not to give in.

you try not to care so much.

——

and it just hurts,

to feel this way, all while

trapped in the sticky jaws of the heat

and unable to cry. it just

hurts, i say, but there’s nothing

else to say, now is there.

——

and all i’ve got left

is a tiny whisper of breath—

no courage behind it,

not even an ounce.

no apologies, either. just

silence, and

absence.

lack.

——

beat myself up over

all the little things,

crawl inside myself, fold

into my ribs

(like well-trained acrobat)

tuck my head and face

behind pain-riddled hands,

push and push and push, willing

the pain and self-sabotage away

AWAY AWAY AWAY—

but neither leave.

neither waver.

and i turn round and round

in this crooked, gilded

bone cage, until

my eyes peek out from

behind my spine,

wide and bright and glassy

among the bone,

watching the world

from beneath a landslide,

the backside,

the b-side of things—

and, wow, is it dark.

it is bleak.

i read every word backwards.

sdrawkcab sdrawkcab sdrawkcab.

i breathe through

the gaping hole

in my chest,

and expel it all

through the windows in my skull.

i cling to the bars of my cage

and watch the world

through pale flesh, rewound.

i see music through

bloodshot, sleepless, sunken eyes.

and i in no way interact

with the outward world,

except to breathe backwards

and press faster

on the rewind button.