12:03 pm

Threw up twice today just to prove to myself I wasn't empty inside

My best friend won't stop judging me and I've got issues at night

I haven't slept without nightmares in over a week

I'm feeling dizzy and weak

Sometimes I think if I could just weep

This bitterness could finally leave my soul

And I could finally feel at peace alone

I feel sold out

Standing in front of a big crowd

And all of them asking for more

They need me to be bubbly, to be pretty, to be their little whore

I can't find myself- I don't know who I am anymore

I tell myself that better days are coming but I don't even want anymore

The chemicals in my brain tell me I'm not same

I feel like I'm insane

Just going in the same

Circles- round and round my problems

Without any way to solve them

I can't breathe right when I'm looked in the eye

I get terrified every time I go outside

Because there's a scary part of me that wants to be struck by lightning

Hit by a car

Anything to make people stop saying "Look, you've made it this far"

Yes I know that I'm blessed

Yes I know that I'm lucky

But when you tell me I have nothing to cry for

I wish you could see that my brain is telling me I have everything to die for

That the neurotransmitters in my brain might not be at the same

Balance as yours

Isn't that what balance is for?

I wish I never knew what SSRIs were for