Whoever Called it a Crush was Right and I Hate Them.

Goddammit, that song just played. The song that drifts me back into this lilac and indigo haze. The boy at the pharmacy that made my brain start contemplating that whole falling thing again. I haven't fallen in a long time. The deep thuds within my chest and flush of panic when someone comes near felt so foreign they nearly took me out. I worked at the store now, so I see the boy from the pharmacy often. Boy. I mean, we're both in our twenties so he's a man but all the men I've been with have left some pretty deep scars. Let's put it in the middle - guy.

Said guy sends me into a goddamn panic attack every time I see him. You would think this man was carved by Michelangelo and had the personality of a Funfetti rainbow sundae. Maybe I just have this way of knowing what someone has inside because if I showed this guy to you, you'd probably think I'm boy crazy. He's just an average male with male-smelling hormones that are drawing me in.

But, what if I am not just crazy? What if you can look at someone and see who they are and your internal organs all react at once to their presence? I don't really like to get all Jesus-y about my impulses, but I know that I have spiritual gifts that I am truly unable to control. Getting used to it is the equivalent of a "weird" character realizing their whole life, they've had this super cool ability. Mine is the ability to know, which makes me really uncomfortable.

As a child, I had an awesome memory. Not even trying to brag, but I always remember people's names and faces. I can remember things about people from first grade like I just heard them yesterday. But, when you are six and try to become friends by remembering everything you've ever learned about them, you are basically a young Jeffrey Dahmer. So, by eight, I had completely masked my ability to remember things. Unless it was school-related (since I am a SUCKER for a good fact), I played dumb. Over the years, once I was close to someone, I would reveal how much I paid attention though usually no one really knows.

And now the present, I pay a lot of attention. As a cashier, I have to do something aside from yelling that I need something over the PA and bagging 10 laundry detergents. I know things about my customers that they would never know I knew. Without that context, it looks like I am a stalker. But I'm not. I just am a firm believer that if you're in my life, it's for a reason and that I should be a positive reason and not a negative one.

So back to this male that has given me more chills than the cooler I have to stock occasionally, I notice a lot. He's super good at customer service, and I think he really cares about people. He makes jokes to people he knows but doesn't really talk to strangers (like me and some of my co-workers), which makes me think introverted or reserved. Then, all the assumptions just begin to cascade and I get lost in that haze of imagination and start grinning and giggling.

Then I realize I'm being strange. The heat from my blushing makes me sweat and hazes my eyes. The terrible thoughts hit like a tsunami drowning and I gasp for air. My eyes water and my body trembles. If I'm at work, my body quickly rectifies itself. I stop breathing then my breathing slows to normal. My chest tightens and my hands stop shaking. My mind goes blank and the teariness in my eyes clears up. I depart momentarily, and when I go back to wherever the guy was, he's usually gone.

My body is relieved but my heart always feels cold and empty. I feel like I ruin everything. I go home and dive into a bag of edibles so the pain subsides and I can at least enjoy the rest of my night. I turn on music, my Sad Girl Shit playlist, and let Bad Bunny serenade me with my troubles. I drift into the thought of my soulmate. Whoever he is and wherever he is. I think of things we'll do together - cooking high, playing at a playground at 3 am, cuddling while watching the garbage television I used to sneak and watch after school. I wonder what he'll look like when I meet him. The thoughts of panicking creep back but a funny joke he'll say or a compliment he gives me neutralizes it like it will to once we're together.

I wonder what will happen the next day at work, drifting to the thought of the pharmacy guy again. Disney plays in my head. I drift into the scene of Megara, playing with a white flower while grinning and reminding herself she's not in love. The scene I imagined with so many other boys (and girls at some points) as I fought my worldly hormones to jump on the first thing with genitals and my spiritual desire to be with someone that is meant for me. I thought that fight would end as I got out of high school and started college. I thought I was over falling for any boy that moved. I thought that all the heartbreak and subsequent self-blaming and chastizing would stop all of the thoughts eventually.

Maybe I'm right about this one and just need to get over everything from the past and learn to trust myself again. Maybe I feel these things for certain men because they're real interpretations and I should go for it. Maybe I'm just convincing myself to try since I'm tired of being alone. Maybe I should go to bed because I have work in the morning.