the decision

Sitting on the bench beside Tyler, I’m not really sure what I was supposed to say.

I poke his shoulder. “Hey.”

No response. I poke his shoulder again.

“Hey.” Poke. “Heyyyy.” Another jab to his shoulder.

I sigh heavily- “just open your eyes and look at me,” quieter, almost pleading- “please?”

I glance back at him, hoping that just maybe he had listened to my request. I was out of luck of course, if there was anything Tyler knew how to do, it was how to hold a grudge. I’d been on this side of his silent treatment before, all cold and stern from some pointless childhood argument, but those had always been fixed by a little time and an off-the-cuff apology. But this wasn’t a fight over the tv remote or the last slice of pie. I knew he was only sitting outside with me because mom had threatened to stop paying for our phone bills and possibly another shorter, whispered threat that I couldn’t hear.

I chipped at the paint on my nails. “You know this reaction was the whole reason I didn’t tell you.”

Tyler still hadn’t moved, not even a twitch of anger in his face, just stone cold contempt.

My fingers slide through the strands of my hair. “I just- I’m sorry, I know that I should have-” I stand up abruptly, pacing back and forth. “I should have told you. I’m sorry, I am. But I didn’t, and I can’t change that, and-” I turn to face him. “and I am sorry, but-”

My hands flutter around my face. “Just get angry with me about it! Tell me that you hate me and that you’re disappointed and that I’m a terrible sister who kept awful secrets- anything but whatever the hell this is.”

I take a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Look at me. Please.”

My voice breaks.

No reaction.

I shove myself back down on the bench, downcast. I knew it had been a bad decision to keep secret. I was moving halfway across the country for a college program that I didn’t even know if I would like and Tyler was staying here. We’d planned to live at home, saving money on rent as we attended the local state school, both in the engineering program. I was going to study mechanical and Tyler was going to study electrical and then we would graduate together, working together at some automotive company or other- our paths in perfect parallel just as they had been from the beginning. I had changed that and I hadn’t told him. He was right to be angry.

A finger poked my shoulder. I take a deep breath and turn back to Tyler. I can see him bite his lip, mouth opening and closing as he tries to begin a response. I almost don’t hear the whisper that escapes.

“Why didn’t you-“ he pauses. “I would have understood your choice. Wanting something different. We’re not the same person, I know that.”

I can see the stress furrowed into his brow, desperate for the right response.

He continues. “I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me.” He looks away from the eye contact we had been making. “Why you didn’t trust me.”

My heart drops. We’d been best friends now for 18 years- built in from our birth. I should have known that this was about more than just the distance, about the different choice I was making for my future.

I poke his shoulder again, forcing him to make eye contact with me once more. “I should have told you. I should have. And I am really sorry that I didn’t. But-“ and I take a deep breath. “I was so scared. I didn’t know if I was going to be accepted, I didn’t know if I was even going to go, and then everything happened so quickly, and I got that scholarship, and I had to make a decision, and I-”

Tyler nods, encouraging me to keep speaking. “I didn’t know what I was doing, but I had to do something. And I’m so so sorry that I didn’t talk to you about it. But I didn’t want you to change my mind or judge me or be disappointed and I’m sorry.”

I look down, knowing there was nothing else I could say, no other apology I could make.

Tyler pokes my shoulder this time and begins speaking softly. “I’m sorry too. That I made it so you didn’t think you could talk to me. That I shut you out when you finally tried.” He looks me in the eyes. “I’m proud of you. And you’re going to do great at your new school.”

Tears creep into the corner of my eyes. “Thank you. Thank you for understanding. And for listening to me now.” I rest against the back of the bench as I wind the conversation down to a close. “We’re both going to be great.”

We sat there in contemplative silence until the sun began to dim, painting the sky with shades of pink and orange. Comfortable together in the knowledge that despite this drastic shift in our plans for the future, despite the obstacles thrown into our way, even 400 miles apart- we were still twins, still there for each other, and for right now, that was enough.