Pretence

"Why is Everyone pretending?"

My Higher Self arches a brow while My Current Self blinks back, fingers fidgeting a little as an urge to punish myself for such a strange question. They bring their hands down to cover my own and gently shake their head, then smile with an understanding I've never had from anyone else. I suppose being yourself, nobody can connect with you quite as much as you.

"Are you sure you want to know why everyone pretends or why you do?"

"I already know why I pretend," I reply stubbornly. "This world isn't safe for me. I have to be safe."

"What if that's why others do it, too? This belief that they have to be something particular in order to be protected from the cruel eyes of the world?"

"Well... But no. People aren't like that. They aren't like me. Maybe some are," I relent when she gives me a pointed look, "but I know we can't all be doing it for the same reason. That wouldn't make any sense. We're too different, humanity."

"You say humanity is different. And yet you all eat and all smile and all think and all find the most random things to give you joy, no matter how short or long. You all torture yourselves and hate and fear parts of yourselves and struggle with the meaning of life as if it was ever meant to have a transcendent meaning in the first place other than to be alive. You eat, shit, suffer, smile, sink, sleep. You go on and on despite the madness like nobody's business because the only other option is to die and the thought is so interesting yet terrifying that everyone has their own struggle making peace with it. You are different, child but you are very much the same in many fundamental ways. That is why you are all a species. That is among the many things that makes you human. Other than the physical... I suppose."

"You're going off on a tangent."

"There's nothing wrong with going off on a tangent, Self. Getting lost helps you find-"

"I hear you but you haven't answered the question!"

"And why are you so curious to know? It's something that frustrates you. It's such an isolating game; pretend. Everyone does it at least a bit. Some aren't bothered by it, some are chiefly bothered by it... You've played the game your whole life. Told yourself that it's necessary to act to be loved and accepted, that came to you right from childhood and it stuck, didn't it? A shame, really. You're more wonderful than you think. And now you want to know the reasons why others do. To validate yourself, to make yourself feel a little less alone in this lonesome way of yours."

"Just gimme my answer. I need to go soon."

"I won't."

"Wh-"

"I won't because I know you. That validation you seek? That escape from loneliness that you seek? It is something all people struggle with but more importantly, it is what you struggle with, Self. Stop searching for the answers from everyone else. Stop trying to make your experiences fit what you believe is meant to be the way a human being acts and feels. You are a human being. Allow yourself to be. Allow yourself to simply be as you are. The pretence will fade away with time."

"But what if they don't like it?"

"Self-"

"Alright, alright. But what if I don't like it? Reality is painful. And there is so much of me to hate-"

"There is even more of you to love. And adore. And worship. And cherish. I can't wait for you to realise it. I hope they do, too."