30.

Words cannot express how weird this all feels. I've always associated this number with "having your shit together." I think of freshly leased cars and the personal assortment of keys jangling from a lanyard. 30 means home-cooked meals that have more vegetables in them than starches and meat. It means socking away the funds for a DIY wedding you are planning in the next two years. It doesn't mean...whatever the hell I'm currently doing.

Well, I realize that my perception of 30 has been changing rapidly as time goes on. 30 is less like the shiny and polished version of me that I cooked up for myself in my early 20s and more about reclaiming the time that I lost pleasing others. It's a strange phenomenon to realize that I am truly free from others' expectations of me.

It's scary, even.

There is this whole "fear of failure" thing that I'm sure most people are familiar with. I've been so paralyzed by fear these past couple of years that I ultimately stopped living. I was too afraid to step outside of my comfort zone because of my past failures and just how badly they hurt. Now, I have time to process and reframe the way I think. I don't have to worry that everything will always fall apart. That's a scary thing to process when worry has been a constant (yet toxic) companion for 30 years.

30. That's still weird to think about.

What have I learned in 30 years? What haven't I learned in 30 years? Am I overthinking this whole age-equals-milestone thing? Most 30-somethings would most likely say that I am. The reality is adulthood is just...aging. All the material, social, and psychological things that go with it completely depend on the individual and their life story. I still catch myself lamenting that I'm not fitting into society's standards of what being 30 is. That's okay.

I've learned that the important part is to dismantle what I've been taught about being an adult and to give myself the grace to just be 30 in the way that makes sense and fits me at this moment. Being 30 right now is freeing. It's a clean canvas.

And I'm ready to pick up the brushes and start painting again.