the man who missed out
I’m sitting by the pool in 89-degree heat debating if I should take a dip to cool off. I’ve been listening to this man ramble on about his retirement from the police force back in Maryland. I really would like to get in the pool, but that would be suicide; like jumping into quicksand, a slow sinking death, swallowing me into this swamp of a never-ending conversation.
…And now I moved here and it feels like I have nothing to do. I just sold my condo in Miami because my building was getting crazy with its monthly fees. I sold it to this guy who said he would let me rent it after for $2400. But you know what he did? I shake my head. He raised it to $3100! No way! Not for a 600-square-foot condo. I ask him if he had a contract. It was a man-to-man thing, you know? We shook hands. I mean the beach is right across the street. You can’t beat the location. But that’s way out of my price range. I still stay in contact with some of the guys over there and I heard he still hasn’t rented it. He missed out. He should’ve kept me when he had the chance.
He’s doing laps back and forth, taking breaks in between to yap my ear off. I got my hip replaced like two months ago. I knew it was gonna give out. It wasn’t bothering me or anything, but I figured let me just get it over with. Get ahead of it, you know? I’ve been going to physical therapy but the guy said I’m too advanced and told me to stretch on my own. I studied his physique moving its way in and out of the water. He looked all right for a guy who just had surgery.
The crime rate in the neighborhood over there -… He points to the bridge raising one of his tatted arms. It’s out of control. You walk across that way and you're in a goddamn war zone. I smirk because he isn’t lying. I looked it up online; that’s why I never bought in here years ago. I figured this development would be crawling with the homeless who walk up and down this main road… He dunks himself into the water and pops back up like it's Groundhog day. I guess I missed out, cus’ these homes went for 90k back then… He dunks under once more. This time I’m contemplating on holding his head under just long enough for him to shoot out, call me crazy and run his ass home.
And I know where you live. You have a quiet block. But I’m right in the middle by our entrance. I hear all those cars. Speeding; doing 70 on this street all day. Right there! He points outside and over the fence of our pool club, but I don’t bother to turn my head. This man is exhausting. Did you know a motorcyclist died there last week? And the other day we had that rapper - I don’t know who, but he got pulled over for having some pills on him. And a couple days ago, I was pulling out to make a right, and these animals were flying to the red light. He dunks himself again and this time I can feel the urge take over to dive in and just hold his head there, but he popped up too fast. Fuck… I called the chief of police. I told them I’m a retired cop and I’d never seen so many accidents on one block. We need a speed camera! It’s wild. Or a traffic light. But I think a camera is better. The light might cause more traffic, you know? I nod my head. Two cars got broken into on my block. And a motorcycle was stolen. These guys know what they’re doing. Smashed the windows and just took everything. I need to get some cameras…I’m a retired cop though, so you know I got toys in the house…
His bald head is glistening in the sun. It has to be on fire. My head is on fire. My nose is on fire. My neighbors threw a loud party last night. I couldn’t even sleep. It went so late… He leaned back to float in the water, looking up at the thick blue sky. They were playing that Mexican music. Their cars blocked my driveway. They were having a good time, you missed out. Missed out? What if I had to go somewhere? I am feeling pretty irritated by his comments on the neighborhood now. I don’t know if the truth of it all was getting on my nerves or if it was the tone of his ‘cop voice’. He was the type of cop that pulls you over for going through a yellow, scolds you so you think you’ll be good to go, and then he turns around and gives you a ticket for tints.
He dips back into the water and does a couple of backstrokes. I got this house for me and my girl. She’s from Venezuela. She hates it out here though. More people spoke Spanish in Miami so it was easier for her. Maybe she should learn some fuckin’ English, I felt like telling him. She was a big-time officer back home, but then her captain tried to you know; he tried to rape her, so she got out of there and fled here. She drives an Uber now… Am I supposed to feel sorry for them?I slide my sunglasses onto my head and look around at the scenery. I’m stuck with this strange man interrupting this gorgeous day about his chick who fled to our country and now drives a damn Uber.
I don’t let her Uber at night. Not in this area. And there’s no money over here. She drives around aimlessly all day. She needs to Uber in Miami. Or the airport, I thought to myself. Or get a real job. Or get her damn citizenship. I need her to bring in at least one-kay a month. She can’t sit at home and follow me around like a puppy. I’m a retired cop. I don’t have enough to support her. I got 3 kids in college. I didn’t ask for another one.
Mmm, now the story is starting to get a little juicy. If it was up to me, I’d sell everything, sell this house. I want to get my money, break even and leave it in the bank. Take that new sprinter I just bought, you see it in my driveway? Of course, I see that bulky sprinter in his driveway. And of course, I already searched his property up online; going for $440k; a 3 bedroom, 2 bath with impact windows and new floors. He overpaid for this house. I overpaid for this house. I want to get rid of it because what kind of father would I be leaving my kids with a mortgage? A smart father, actually. If you died, they would sell the house buddy….but I kept that to myself.
…I want to just travel and surf. No way this guy surfs. I would go up to Jupiter or move to Palm Beach and just kick it at the beach all day. So is this girlfriend worth having around if your idea of retirement is to just pack up and surf? I had to ask.
He swam closer to the edge of the pool and let out a little chuckle. I guess you’re right. But c’mon, I don’t want to die alone. He is not old. I thought to myself; he doesn’t have to be stuck with this woman for the next 30 years. And plus, he wants to live in his fuckin’ van. I’m not sure many women would be down for that at 50-something years old. So yes, you might die alone if you choose the van…but I didn’t say that either.
He sank under the water and I sat there watching him, holding his breath…silence. I saw your mom here the other day. Oh my God, here he goes again…Is she single? She’s a good-looking woman. No, she is not single. A guy can only wish, right?
The sun is beating on my forehead, my back, and my shoulders. Sweat is building up on the back of my knees, right in that crease at the bend in my leg. The back of my neck is dripping sweat tracing down my spine. Between me overheating and his blabbermouth that won’t take a break, I’m in a serious bind here. I don’t know if I should feel pity for this guy or feel insulted that he just tried to inquire about my mother in the same couple of sentences after informing me about his Venezuelan situation.
I only moved here because my son goes to college in Tampa. We reside 4 hours away from Tampa. And my daughter just moved there too. They haven’t visited because at that time my condo was too small. But now I have this house and I told them they can come down whenever but they don’t even answer my calls. You know how these kids are. They only text you when they want something. And it’s usually for money.
I just met this man and he is flipping through pages of his life, reading pieces out loud to me while I am disintegrating in this Florida heat. I don’t want to be rude so I sit there smiling, nodding my head, giving those good old ‘sure, of course, I totally understand’ responses back to him. I’m rolling my eyes behind my sunglasses because every single thing out of his mouth is a complaint. And it is way too hot out for this shit. My mouth is growing dry and my skin is burning. The bleach in my hair is frying out and I desperately need to jump in. I’m waiting for him to get to the other end of the pool so it gives me enough time to jump in, get the fuck out, and run back to my lounge chair.
…My son lives off campus and he had to evacuate last week because of that hurricane. I called him. I texted him. I told him to get out of there. He never answered me at all. I took a sip of my water. I really needed a glass of wine for this. Literally, the night before it was supposed to hit, pretty much when it was starting to rain and get that crazy wind, he tells me that he was on his way over. I told him, are you dumb? He tells me he has a problem now too. Want to know what this idiot did? I sat up in my chair to listen because, at this point, I have no choice. He got stuck two or some hours away from here, on the side of the road, because his car broke down. He thought it was the battery so I told him to get a jump. Then we find out it was the alternator and of course, he needed 400 bucks to fix it. I sent him the money and he never even showed up here. Because his car probably never broke down, to begin with, but I didn’t say that out loud. This man doesn’t give off those father-of-the-year vibes.
But my daughter and her 3 friends with a cat showed up! The man kicked off the pool wall and did a lap under the water again. I’m trying to picture the setting in my head; this white guy, his immigrant girlfriend who doesn’t speak English, his daughter and her 3 college friends, and now this random cat all hanging out in his living room. They showed up and stuffed my fridge with all their junk. I never even set up the other bedroom, so I took my daughter to the store and we got her a bed frame and mattress. We’re on the line to pay and her friends roll up with this cart full of cat stuff and more food. Can you believe that? I bit my lip to not laugh. Cat collars…a cat bed…and then she says she forgot her wallet. I spent 600 bucks on these girls. And when they left, I didn’t even have any food.
I watched him go under and hold his breath again. Processing his stories, I do want to laugh because this guy is all over the place, but at the same time, it is rather sad. He retired to a state to be closer to his kids, but they seem to just use him. His ex-wife probably doesn’t speak to him. He lives with a woman he can barely communicate with. He complains about the neighborhood to justify overpaying for this house. And now he is using my pool day as a free therapy session. Does he just need someone to talk to or is he always this outspoken?
I feel like I’m wasting away now. You wouldn’t know what that feels like, you’re still young. But I don’t feel important anymore if you know what I mean. I shook my head, no. I was a cop for years. That was my life. I was respected. And now, I’m nothing. I don’t do anything for people to care about me. My kids don’t even talk to me. It’s like, oh dad is fine. He’s retired. He’s good. But I feel like I’m missing out…
I took my last sip of water. This was it. Death was creeping around the corner coming for me. It was either I take that dip into the pool and risk being stuck in that swamp for another 30 minutes or just die in this lounge chair of dehydration. I stood up and took that damn dip. I don’t think you’re missing out, I told him. I think you’re just missing your old life. He swam to the other end of the pool. I know he heard me. He lifted himself out onto the deck of the pool. And do you hear these planes? Nonstop! It was 600 planes the other day. I called the airport to find out what kind of flight pattern they’re running over here. Who can live like this?
I took my sunglasses off and shouted across the pool;will you just shut the hell up? I sank under the water and finally, I had some peace and quiet.