I miss the 90’s

God I miss the nineties. We had Nirvana, CDs, cars that looked like plastic jelly beans with headlights, people weren't on their phones all the time, Gameboys and huge computers that were all retro and shit, Sonic wasn't bastardized by the internet yet, it was all good. There's plenty of good reasons to go back to the nineties, especially considering that last one. But I wouldn't go back for any of these meager luxuries, I would go straight for the piece de resistance, the ultimate key to life's meaning that time has left behind, Heaven's Gate.

Just calm down for a second and hear me out. Say what you want about alien cults, but they were poppin back in the day. They had all of these cool patches, shirts, and shoes. Don't forget the classic lifetime movie and alien crossover aesthetic. Iconic style. These guys meant business too. They weren't just going to sit there and wait for the aliens to come to them, they were taking matters into their own hands. Sure that Bo guy was running around and getting himself castrated and what not, but he was a man of action. He wasn't going to stop looking for answers until he slapped those alien cheeks. Even if it meant drinking the Kool-Aid he was in it to win it and be fly in Nikes on his way out.

Now compare that to all of these...ughh...starseeds. These trust fund twenty something women who look like Victoria's secret models, making all these qualms about "channeling", "manifesting", and "self improvement for the saving of humanity". If you were reincarnated from an alien you should at least make an effort to look like one. Bo knew where it was at, he was bald, had that buggy eyed look going, talked like sedated televangelist. What do these people do? Dress like rich hippies? Talk about...gag!...finding themselves? Lame. Booo! Get out of town and park your fancy converter van in the driveway of your two million dollar house. People these days are no match for the big leagues.

If you've gotten this far, this is where time travel comes in. There was supposedly an alien spaceship following comet Hale-Bopp that Heaven's Gate members tried to teleport to by doing the final deed. Putting aside the extreme measures taken, the whole thing sounds like a ball. Think about it, those guys might be out there somewhere slaying alien pussy since 97. Sure, it's 99.99 percent likely the the ship isn't real, but I'm a positive kind of guy. Who knows, maybe they're looking down on us now, being fed Zigamorph grapes from the vine. I don't care if it's a waste of everyone's time and resources, we need to know the answer. Time travel would be the ultimate solution. All I'd need to do is go to a time when the comet is close to earth.

Of course this would lead to two potential solutions with two different outcomes. The first option would be to go to 97 when the comet last past. While I'd have some company on my alien quest then, I'd have to go to the future and clone myself and then convince that clone to join a suicide cult in the past and then have them travel back to the present to tell me of the aliens if the "teleportation" method worked. There are infinite ways this plan would end in a horrible failure or unnecessary death so I'll likely scrap it for the alternative. The other option is to travel to 4385 when the comet is supposed to pass again. If the earth hasn't baked itself into a puddle of ice cream, they'll probably have more assessable ways to space travel. I'll just go to whom ever runs the spaceships and bother them about my alien quest until they give in and give me a ride. This is my preferred method. The only con would be that the Heaven's Gate folks won't probably be around by then if I ever find the ship. I'll just be stuck with one guy whose pissed off that I won't shut up about the 90's. It still beats dealing with a dead clone or shenanigan's from another one of me.

Then comes the question, what will happen if I find the ship? Best case scenario the cult's descendants have interbred with the aliens into some ultra intelligent hybrid. I'd just hang out with them for a while because I got nothing better to do and freeload off of whatever subscription service they have for extraterrestrials. That's about it. No lofty goals after that. I could probably just live there and not have to do any chores. To them I would be like tending an ant. Say what you want about it being an over elaborate scheme to be lazy for the rest of my life. It's a cool plan and nobody's thought of it but me.