Silent Night/Loud Thoughts

It's 3am and I'm awake. Tinny rain noises from my partner's phone barely penetrate the low rumble of the dingy air conditioner in the wall. My metamour sleeps soundly beside them and I briefly relish in the free leg space and the coolness of the sheets against my skin. Then, it comes again. That nagging feeling. It slowly creeps its way from my stomach to my esophagus. My stomach lurches forward in disgust and before I know it, familiar yet unwelcome words come to mind:

You're not enough.

Then the downward spiral starts. My heart starts racing as memories upon memories begin to replay rejection after rejection as if it proves the mediocrity of my existence. My ears start burning at all the mistakes I've made and I promise myself that I won't make it to-

I take a deep breath and ignore the turmoil in my belly. My ankles pop noisily as I pad out of the smoke smelling room onto the dirty concrete balcony. Crisp air fills my lungs and makes the hairs on my neck stand on end. October has welcomed me into her frigid arms and I sigh helplessly. My heart still races and I began to pace. I start counting down from 100 until the obscenities and threats in my head are resigned whispers and grunts. The locks softly click and I let myself back in.

"You okay?" My partner murmurs through the thin blankets.

"I'm fine," I whisper. It's a mantra I hope to be true one day. They hum and settle back in while I stand in the middle of the room shivering a bit. The whispering has quieted now and I am exhausted. Tears would form if I had them.

I curl up in the bed again while relishing in the leg space and the coolness of the sheets against my skin.