Handful Hansel’s Re-Gretel
Our story begins in a lovely forest, bustling with wildlife along with the typical going’s on of a normal summer day. Suddenly, a thicket of bushes rustles about finally giving way revealing Hansel as he clumsily falls out of the bush. Followed by the droning commentary of Gretel, who flawlessly exits the bush stepping on Hansel as if she were playing hopscotch.
GRETEL: Ouuuu hänsel, you should have listened und navigated the bush with the ladylike graces as I did…uhhh…hänsel?
NARRATOR: Hansel who currently cannot breathe after having, “the wind knocked out of him”. But like some sort of superhero, upon hearing the utterance, “Ouuuuu hänsel!?”, he’s somehow on his feet and looks to have not missed a beat. Well, beside the thorns poking out of his hat and culturally appropriate lederhosen.
HANSEL: Gretel!!!? Where did you wander off to-???
NARRATOR: As, Hansel begins heading in the same direction he saw Gretel take off towards. He is rendered speechless, by what we all know as the baseline to Megan Thee Stallion’s song Hot Girl, as the sound steadily grows with each step he takes. Hansel fears for his life never having heard such sounds, anticipation nearing climax Gretel then springs forth from the tree top with an agility uncharacteristic to her heavy set frame. At which point Hansel dies from cardiac arrest induced by fright, and his soul starts existing his lifeless body ascending to the heavens with such a peaceful expression…until!
GRETEL: OuuuuuOUUUUU it’s zee house made of bread hänsel!!!
NARRATOR: Gretel then begins violently shaking Hansel with one arm, still facing the meadow not really paying attention to the shaking of Hansel’s limp body. Hansel’s Soul Form, still enamored by heavens bliss starts getting hit in the face by something which also seems to be affecting the heavenly light pulling Hansel into the sky as it starts to glitch resulting in Hansel’s descent back to earth. He desperately claws towards the sky, but it is too late! Quickly brought back to life by one of Gretel’s backhands.
GRETEL: ugh, hänsel this is no time to be napping we are here!!!! The infamous gingerbread bread house of the witch, but I see no witch or house made of gingerbread. Just pit bulls, Cadillacs, and very voluptuous women of every ethnicity. Also, zee sign clearly says “trap house”, not gingerbread house. Zoinkys hänsel, looks like we’ve got a mystery on our hands!
NARRATOR: Says Gretel as she turns back to face Hansel, whom is still disoriented from the whole out-of-body experience and appears to be grabbing at imaginary tweetie birds flying round’ his head.
GRETEL: Aweeee! So silly hänsel, silly but cute!
NARRATOR: Said as she leans in and kisses him on the cheek. Miraculously healing Hansel of all injuries, even going as far as to *POOF* a nice spiffy little bandage around his head out of thin air.
GRETEL: Now hänsel, we begin operation, “Eat Zee Sweets”, in which we beat zee boss witch and steal their sweets for our tummies.
HANSEL: But Gretel, how are we going to get past the guard dogs? Gretel!?
NARRATOR: Unfortunately, Hansel’s questions were answered by the sound of a whistle as well as the strong aroma of bacon. Gretel has somehow filled Hansel’s lederhosen with the savory breakfast entree with the quickness, so Hansel darts off into the woods followed by a pack of hungry pit bulls. Gretel then slyly eases out of a shadow cast by a big tree, covertly sneaking within the perimeter of the house. She canvases the immediate area surrounding the house to find what she deems unfamiliar, but the reader recognizes as equipment for shooting a music video. Gretel then, again like a rhino with cat like agility, jumps, climbs, and rolls atop the roof perfectly positioned to peek into the home via skylight. Gretel then sees Meg and her entourage of girlfriends choreographing dance moves for the video, but Gretel being battle hardened from previous ops mistakes the choreography for practicing of hand to hand combat. Gretel panics, there was nothing in the dossier detailing this many witch underlings. What to do? Call the op off, do more reconnaissance, and find-
GRETEL: OH NO!!! Hänsel!!!!!
NARRATOR: At this moment the rehearsal is brought to a grinding halt, as Hansel is thrown onto the floor in the center of the room. Captured by the group of male backup dancers, lead by Devon who is characterized by bronze not brains.
MEG: What.Thee.Fuck Devin!? I told you not to interrupt us for nothing-
DEVON: But you said if we catch something to let you know, and look at what the cat drug in-
NARRATOR: Devon sentence stopped short by the impact of Meg’s left high heel.
MEG: If you ever interrupt me as I am literally telling you not to interrupt me again, it’ll be ya life Deveeeen!
DEVON: Mam, it’s dev-on like as in turn the lights on-
NARRATOR: Devon’s sentence cut short again, but this time simply because Meg pretended she was going to hit him causing him to flinch greatly. Meg walking towards Hansel, pets the dogs as to acknowledge and apologize to them for Devon’s cliche reference telling the pit bulls they are big strong dogs not dainty little cats.
MEG: Next time he says look at what the cats dragged in, I want y’all to drag him right out the door and show em’ what we do to cats.
NARRATOR: The band of dogs nodding their heads in unison then take off after Devon, now calling them big strong dogs and apologizing for interrupting Meg.
MEG: Anywho, who tf are you!?
NARRATOR: Hansel suffering from extensive abuse at this point, is unable to utter a word. This upsets Gretel, watching helplessly from the roof.
MEG: Oh, so you wanna play it that way huh? Grab em’ girls!
NARRATOR: Hansel, being the youthful male adolescent he is, now being handled by two busty beautiful women. Shrieks in excitement! Catching everybody off guard, the sound is shrilly like that of a little girls scream and the final straw for Gretel. Who spectacularly breaks through the ceiling, incapacitating the two women holding Hansel in an effort to save him. It has the opposite effect though, Hansel now heartbroken becomes distraught and begins pouting.
MEG: Woah now, and whom might you be!?
GRETEL: I am Gretel, part one of the two part; Hänsel Und Gretel Spec Ops Team! Und I am here to carry out operation “Eat Zee Sweets”, but your house isn’t made of bread und I see no pastry’s or cakes to dine on.?
MEG: My house is made of bread look, that face all on the wallpaper is my best friend Benji aka Benjamin Franklin aka HunDon aka Mozzarella aka Dough aka Bread. You get the artistic reference?
NARRATOR: Gretel, now more confused but still trying says.
GRETEL: Okay Okay, ummmm where is the cake then!!?
MEG: Babygirl, it’s all around ya. Real Hot Girl Ishhh!!!!!
NARRATOR: Upon hearing Meg say those words, all the female dancers start shaking they boobies and butts with their tongue out.
GRETEL: Ahhhh, what is that incessant clapping sound make it stop!
MEG: Girl what you mean!? That clapping sound is the sound of that cake you looking for.
GRETEL: No you seem to be confused, operation “Eat Zee Sweets”! Not operation Eat Zee Big Round Booties of your many friends.
NARRATOR: Hansel’s facial expression couldn’t disagree with Gretel’s statement anymore if it tried
GIRLFRIEND#1: Meg look at their foreign a** get up, maybe “Eat Zee Sweet” is German Ebonics for “hit a lick”.
MEG: First off, ain’t nobody finna’ eat this sweet sweetie. I live by this unspoken rule, I don’t fw anybody in Levi’s (like the jean’s) or lederhosen. So, that was never an option. Second off, she gonna catch this smoke regardless cause she knocked out NiqueNique’ and Destiny! Third off, this German b**** busted through my mf’n roof and I know for a fact Allstate don’t cover Fat German Women so big they a hazard to the structural integrity of every home they walk into hah- *SLAP*
NARRATOR: Not again, omg Gretel with them unsuspecting cheetah like reflexes has snuck Meg with a slap to the face already!
Will Hansel get his handful!?
Will Gretel regret what slapping Meg entails!??
Will Meg ever pronounce Devon’s name correctly!?????
Like, Comment, Repost to find out!