Pitching a tent for Beginners

Step 1: Carefully take out all the tent pieces. Is this a new tent or an old one? It won't matter, because you'll be sure there's some tiny piece missing.

Step 2: An old tent? Hmm. Spend some time trying to remember if it has any holes in the bottom, and then spend more time trying to sort out all those poles.

Step 3: A new tent? Take out the set-up instructions. They won't clarify much, but they might become a helpful target for frustrations later on.

Step 4: Take one of the poles. Straighten it out, and try not to startle when the pieces all snap together loudly.

Step 5: Experimentally use the tent pole as a rapier sword, give it a nostalgic swish.

Step 6: If not distracted by sword-fight related daydreams, straighten out and connect all those other poles. They look remarkably flimsy.

Step 7: Lay out the entire tent, flat on the ground. Remind everyone not to step on it.

Step 8: Consider the ground the tent is laying on. Is it actually the best spot? Check again, just to be sure. Scuff some dusty soil into any dips and holes you find. Become annoyed at the dust in your sneakers.

Step 9: Thread the first pole in. Try to recall which one goes in first, and where it should be.

Step 10: Check those instructions again, if you have them. They don't help. Direct anger towards clueless manufacturers.

Step 11: Keep threading in poles. You'll have to go slowly, or one might get stuck on the fabric.

Step 12: Get help at this point - all those poles resent being confined and arched up by the tent fabric, and they'll try and flatten the moment you push them up.

Step 13: Realize that trying to keep the tent up while also trying to coordinate others is very difficult, and briefly wonder why you chose to go camping at all.

Step 14: Rally. Get someone to hold the tent's poles as you get the thing attached to the ground. Don't let anyone too enthusiastic near the tent pegs and hammer, if you have those.

Step 15: If it's one of those fancy new tents, realize that trying to get the poles into their fancy little locking mechanisms will take brute force, determination, and possibly muttered profanity.

Step 16: Manage, somehow, to get it upright. If you're lucky, it will stay this way. If not, start again from step 12.

Step 17: Circle the upright tent several times, adjust the fabric and various layers as needed until it looks nice.

Step 18: Unzip the entrance. It makes a very nice sound.

Step 19: If it's a new tent, revel in the new smell and realize slowly that it seems rather small. If it's an old tent, worry about holes until you find the inevitable dead moth in the corner.

Step 20: Check the weather. If you're lucky, you won't have to set up tarps for rain...But you might want to, just in case.