The secrets of Quip Chaddick

Quip Chaddick stands idly in his merchant's stall in a side street of London. He hasn't made many sales today, but that's not unusual. "You need to upgrade to a keyosk, mate", his friends used to urge him,"Stalls are old stuff now. No good anymore." Quip hardly knew the difference, and he didn't care. Sometimes Quip missed when he used to feel alive. He used to love immersing himself in the most ridiculous explorations he could fathom. One of his favorite pastimes was to completely engross himself in the etymological flimflammery in the early rococo. He just found it to be the most fascinating subject. Another time, his querying mind snagged on something completely new: wavy pinstripes, and what they represent in Bishkek, Florida. Unable to resist any longer he booked a trip to Florida to explore the phenomenon in full. He also took the opportunity to learn about cleaning air conditioners in the age of uncertainty. Quip loved it in Florida so much that he extended his stay for several months. For a while he was happy, but with Thanksgiving, an American tradition he had yet to experience, Quip fell into a void of depression. He found the turkey such a fascinating creature, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out how the turkey got his snood. The subject perplexed him, and he worked day and night to find answers, only to meet dead ends at every turn. Defeated and exhausted, Quip returned to England and settled on spending his days as a lowly street peddler.

Many people are curious about the pocket contents of Anne Cleves' pockets, but not Quip. Quip knows that mermaids do not have such a luxury, because they don't even know what it's like to have pockets. They are quite sorrowful creatures, really. Cast to an eternity in the sea, lamenting their lack of pockets. Now Anne Cleves' pockets don't seem so interesting, do they? Now you want to know about mermaids, and why they've been cast to suck an ill-fortuned, pocketless fate. Well, the answer lies in the fact that Harry Potter is a terrible person. It was a wet and dreary morning when Harry showed up to the sea, dressed in an old oilskin and nicknamed Mr. Tarpaulin Man, by an old fisherman also wearing a tarpaulin. With a graceful wave of his wand, Harry cast a spell and the mermaids came. At first it seemed so beautiful, like lyrics to the song and enchanted harp things. But Harry had revenge on his mind, and it was the mermaids that he blamed for an especially harsh flu season in Chappaquiddick. Harry was drunk at the time, and had gone through all but the last pint of beer on the planet, and his claim had no evidence or reason behind it. Still, he stumbled on, right into the horde of mermaids that he'd summoned. With another wave of his wand, much less graceful this time, the mermaids were damned to an eternity without pockets.

But fear not. The mermaids can be saved. With Harry's dreadful curse, there came a prophecy. Similar to Hercules himself, the chosen one must successfully complete a list of impossible tasks, and then, and only then, will the mermaids live with pockets once more.

First, this unnamed hero must be able to send out a survey of dust bunnies in Vladivostok in the form of a formal sexy letter. When done correctly, someone will respond. That someone is the one who knows the pocket contents of Mary Chase. Such contents must be purchased anew, and then used by the mystery champion in the next task: following a "perching a tent for beginners" guide while combating the violent mood swings of grassy hills. Once the tent is completed, its builder will go inside. If done correctly, the tent will trigger a vision. Most people believe this vision to be a meeting with the five people you meet when you are dead and in Quatar. That is all the information that the prophecy will provide, the rest is up to you, chosen one.