did i trick you

into thinking i was

love

and light

and all things kind

from the time i wake up

until i close my eyes at night

did you think

i was even love and light

in my sleep?

i am love and light

but its the love

that gave you a god complex

and drug problems

and its the light from the bic

that barely works

to light the bowl

that barely works

and its the light in the kitchen

that also barely works,

that you forgot to turn off

before you fell to your knees

in front of a plate of shitty

cocaine that was free

because you were pretty

and they said you were

like love

and like light.

i dont like to sleep.

the terrors i have

of the people ive lost

and the people ive wronged

remind me how much

walking the roads less traveled by

i am forced to do

because of all the bridges ive burned

and for all the passenger seats

i do not feel welcome sitting in.

'my god, you've changed'

oh thank god

i have tried to.

ive begged the stars

and the universe

and the god i dont belive in

thank god i am not that girl

who climbed so high on top of the horse

she swore she would never have

that she fell to rock bottom

when the drugs wore off

and she was alone.

I've learned to enjoy

the solitude-

my own company

its the one person

that never asks what is wrong

she just knows

when my heart is in my stomach

and shes the only one

who tells me to breathe in through my nose

and out of my mouth.

shes the only one who's told me

that i am a good mom.

that i am a good wife.

that i am a good friend.

she knows i need that.

she knows the parts of me

that have not quite healed yet

needs to know it wasnt her fault.

alot was my fault.

and i was love and light

until i wasnt.

the only argument

i have with my own comapany now

is do we risk being it again.