Step 1. Denial That He Never Denied

(Excerpt from "Denial That He Never Denied." The Lock on Heaven; an original and unfinished novel by me)

From the start... I think I've always loved Zhou Delun.

I didn't grow up in a town where they cared if you dated a man or not. Hell, even finding a significant other was like a miracle.

That's why I never denied my feelings. I knew I liked Delun more than a friend ever could. I want to hold his hand. I wanted to watch fireworks at festivals with him. I wanted... To kiss him. That's definitely not platonic.

We were always told that when we turn the "very beautiful" age of 16, we would have a chance to "grow our wings."

They meant Angel's Haven Academy. An academy in the sky for only the most worthy students. I never intended to go, and never did Delun.

Let's go back to my romantic feelings and somewhat sinful thoughts for him,

If you asked Dede what he thought of me, he'd probably call me his "bestest friend forever." It kind of hurts. The man I'm completely "head over heels" for sees me as nothing more than his buddy.

...I don't know what I was expecting. Fuck, I'm so hurt. Damn it. I want him to say that he loves me. I want him to say that he can't possibly live without me.

I want him... I want him. I want everything about him.

From the way his layered haircut slightly flows when he walks, to the way he pushes up his glasses that keep sliding down his face, to the way he laughs at the corniest dad jokes, I love it all! And I want him! I want him so bad! But he doesn't want me in the way I want him!

And I can't be selfish. Absolutely not! If he were to start dating someone else, I'd... I'd have to suck it up and congratulate him, even if I wish it was me and I could never stand to be around them because I'd be so full of envy and anger.

Shit! There's no way I could stand him dating someone else!

Shit! I wish he felt this way!

Shit! I feel horrible!

Shit! I'm an asshole!

Shit! I want to see him so bad right now! I want to jump on him and hug him and say "I love you so much Delun!" and I want us to share a mutually loving kiss!!! I'm so...

The knock on my dorm's door knocked me out of my breakdown. Thankfully. Joyce was most likely back from her and needed to pick up her stuff to see her brother.

I got up to answer the door, wiping the sweat off my face. Thank god my gray shirt didn't get soaked in my tears.

I opened the door expecting to see Joyce in that red and white, name-brand tracksuit she usually wore when on her evening runs. I expected to see that goofy smile she usually flashed me, despite her being out of breath. She was so comforting.

...

I was wrong.

Holy shit. I was so wrong.

He got so close to my face that his back hair fell onto my shoulder, sending slight chills down my spine. He wasn't wearing his glasses this time. If he was, they would've fell onto my face, since he was leaning over me.

"Hey..." Delun said, pushing the door open the rest of the way.

Oh. God. No, no. No... Noooo... Why me???

"Aoki." Don't call out my name like that! "Are you okay?" Stop it!!! "Aoki-"

"Stop! Stop. Stop it. Oh god." I sunk into the floor. I didn't want to meet Dede's face. I was crying. I started crying, and I don't know why.

No, I do know why.

It's because I love him so much.

I love him so much that I pulled him into this cursed academy with me. And despite that, I want him to love me too.