Visions of Dirty Socks

Originally written 12/2015

On my list of top five pet peeves one of the bulletins are dirty socks left about the house. Oh man, just thinking about a loose sock running around the house in it's filth just boils my blood. One memory in particular that takes me back to a dirty socks dilemma, a memory not all too delightful.

"Mom, I can't find my game-boy. I left it right here on top of the glove box." I was asking my mom as I was shifting through a pile of stuff. With little care my mom replies. "Maybe you left it somewhere else." I have to always tell myself to keep my cool, because I know what kind of trouble my rage can get me into and at this point in my life, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with those consequences. "Well, if we weren't living in a car and maybe if I had my own room, I wouldn't be loosing all my stuff in a pile of dirty socks and underwear." "Hey, you can take that tone down a notch, I am doing the best I can right now Tina. I don't need your attitude mixing things up." my mom said as she was waving her finger at me.

I was so over my life. We lived in my moms car on a wild chase to keep the repo men from taking our car and our home from us. I always questioned why I was given the mom I was given. I mean, I had a lot of questions growing up, but why I was given THIS mom was the question I asked over and over and over and over. I resented my siblings growing up, because when our mom fucked up they got to go live with their father and because my dad wasn't in the picture, and because HE didn't like me, I was left with being at my mom's side. Although, you give me an option to be with a mother who cares for drugs more that her own kids or be with a step-father who resented ever taken care of you and made sure you knew how much money was being wasted on you, yeah I'd go with my mom too. It's one thing to feel like a piece of shit but it's another thing to be brainwashed into believing you are a piece of shit.

"I am so tired of living in a car mom, when are we going to get a place?" I was asking as I was tossing stuff from side to side on the hunt for my game-boy. "Tina, I don't need you asking me when all the time. I will happen when it happens. I'm going to the bathroom, want anything from the vending machines?" She replied as she was exiting the car at a rest stop. "No, I just want my game-boy" My mom didn't tune into anything but herself and her needs and her wants. At this exact moment, as the air is filled with the scent of dirty socks and stale cigarettes, I felt completely alone.

The most alone I felt, and all my heart could beat for was to find that damn game-boy. The device that let me temporarily let me escape my reality and live in a fantasy. I didn't mind that my fantasy smelt like an abandoned laundromat. I was just wanted to be able to escape, and I couldn't do this because my escape is being suffocated by a mountain of dirty socks.

"Ugh, I can't take this anymore. What did I do so terribly wrong to be given a life like this? If I was a serial killer in my past life then I get it. But I feel like even a past serial killer would be given a second chance to change the cycle. This cycle, there's no leaving it." I vent out loud while looking for the game-boy. "There's no leaving what?" "There's no since in use leaving all these dirty socks in here, I tossing them. I don't with them. They are gone. Don't stop me mother!" with the quickness I reply. "All. of. this. trash. garbage. filth. dirt. needs. to. go. You want me to live in your car with you mom, fine. But I will not live in your trash. I won't do it anymore. Look, your guy is here, go deal with that and I will clean the car out." I tell my mom as I push her away from the car and into the hands of her drug dealer.

45 mins later, my mom returns and is in shock. Not only did I get rid of all the trash and filth. But, I got rid of it all. "To hell with everything mom, I got rid of it all. The trash, the romance novels (her fantasy land), the TV guides (what's a guide without a TV anyway, a book?), the clothes that even a homeless person wouldn't take, and yes... those damn dirty socks. It's just stuff right mom? I'm the only think you need to worry about. Oh and hey, I found my game-boy. I'm hungry, you got any change for the vending machine?" I put out my hand as my mom is still standing in shock. I think she was more in shock that at the age of 13 I basically just schooled my mom on parenting.

But, I'll tell you what after that day she never questioned my questions. That day, as alone as I felt, I also felt that my mom finally was taking me serious. And now my fantasy land didn't have that lingering dirty sock smell, it's started to smell different won't know if it's a good or bad different, I just knew it was a kind of different that I needed.